Heaven Can't Wait - Chapter 37

[jennickels]

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Chapter Thirty-Seven - Confused and Conflicted

One of the girls that works in the mess hall passes out candles. Bellamy’s is in a little tin cup. Clarke and Niylah share one which means they’re going to be together after lunch. Probably going back to Clarke’s quarters.

When Clarke reaches for Niylah’s hand, he can’t take it anymore. He knows he’s being a jealous, petty ass, but it’s been a crappy couple of days, and after everything, he can’t watch the two of them together no matter how platonic their relationship might be.

“I’ve got some work to do,” he mumbles as he collects Heaven, Bae, and the scraps of food.

Clarke starts at his sudden movement. Niylah gives him a thoughtful look as usual. Her hand slips from Clarke’s—a lot more naturally than when Bellamy attempted the same thing minutes ago. She knows. Goddamnit, she knows. How does everyone know except Clarke?

Maybe if you quit being an idiot and tell her.

Shut up.

“Bellamy-” Clarke says softly, tearing at his heart. But she doesn’t say anything else so he leaves. Like an idiot.

She probably does know. You’re not exactly good at hiding your feelings, especially for Clarke.

Then why doesn’t she say anything?

Because you don’t talk about it.

But why does it have to be me that starts it?

The thoughts spin in his head, adding to his ever-present headache. Why does everything have to be so hard?

“Bellamy, wait,” Niylah calls, catching up to him. She doesn’t have a candle. “I need to talk to you.”

“What about?” he asks in what he hopes is a neutral tone.

Niylah looks back at the mess hall. “I didn’t want to say anything in front of Clarke, but-”

He tenses. “Something did happen to you.”

“Nothing serious—just several people near my quarters that yell obscenities. Some graffiti. Then yesterday-” She took a deep breath like she was making a decision then pulled up her sleeve. “One of my neighbors didn’t like the way I was looking at him.”

Bellamy sees red. He hates to think any Arkadian could be that cruel, but he knows it’s true and will get worse. “What’s the neighbor’s name?”

Niylah hesitates. “I’d rather not say—I don’t want to cause more trouble; I just thought you should know.”

Now I’ll have to talk to everyone in that hall. To Niylah, he nods. “Thanks for letting me know. If anything else happens-”

“I know.” She smiles at Heaven then returns to Clarke. Bellamy waits until she’s near the weak light coming from the mess hall before he leaves

Nothing is ever easy. At least his excuse to Clarke isn’t a lie anymore—he really does have some work to do.

Thankfully, the guard office is empty. He sets Heaven on one side of the desk, clearing a space for the candle, and rips another page from the old ledger book. He sets it and the marker in front of Heaven.

Heaven’s grin calms his nerves and eases the dread knotting his stomach. He watches her scribble intently for a minute before grabbing the closest tablet.

“Bae,” Heaven says, holding up the paper.

Bellamy smiles. “It looks just like her.”

Heaven nods like she agrees then gets back to work, tongue caught between her teeth in concentration. She’s adorable. She’s exactly what’s been missing in his life. The thought startles him, and he shoves it away, focusing on the tablet.

He scrolls through the files, looking for the reports from the yard incident. There are seven now including the one he’d typed up when he couldn’t sleep. The others are from Miller and his dad, Cadet Camden, and Harper. Tyson and Olsen also each filed a report. Half of them didn’t see anything, and the other half are full of shit. There is no way those two grounders started something with Henderson with all of those people around. Sure the grounders like to fight, but they’re not stupid.

Of course, the reports he can trust—from the Millers and Harper—didn’t see the fight start but were there when it escalated into a near-riot. The cadet’s account sounds coached so probably useless. Tyson’s and Olsen’s reports are the most interesting. According to them, they saw the Grounder prisoners attack an unsuspecting Henderson. They did their best to control the fight but were outnumbered and attacked themselves.

Bellamy tosses the tablet onto the table. What a bunch of bullshit. Control the fight? Control it so that Henderson had a better chance of beating the Grounders. Outnumbered? Maybe by the Guard trying to stop the riot but there were only two Grounders there. He feels a sick growl building at the back of his throat. He’d wanted to be a guard since he was ten and figured out he could help keep his family safe that way, but this isn’t the Guard he joined six years ago.

Heaven yawns so he sets her on the sofa, tucking his jacket around her. She curls up with Bae, a little smile on her face. And, god, his heart is shattering because this is going to all be over in another day.

Then life can go back to normal.

He wishes he knew what the hell normal was. And why it had to be so miserable.

With a heavy sigh, he drops back into his chair and rubs at his face. The tablet’s harsh light isn’t doing anything for his headache, but he goes over the reports again, noticing one thing missing—statements from the Grounders. He frowns. It’s not surprising considering what happened. There also wasn’t anything he could do about it at the moment. He glances at Heaven, already snoring softly.

Could all go back to normal, the voice goads.

His head falls against the metal desk. He bangs it softly a couple times, frustrated.

“Knock, knock,” someone says at the door. Bellamy looks up at David Miller. “I didn’t want to wake her.’

Bellamy looks over at Heaven again. “She’s kind of used to it by now. Did you need something?”

“Oh, no, I just left my jacket earlier.” He points to it hanging behind the desk. Bellamy leans back and snatches it from the hook. He expects David to just leave, but the older man fidgets, twisting the jacket between his hands. “Nathan says Kane’s really been pressuring you about this Commander thing.”

Bellamy makes a face and pretends to go back to reading reports. “He’s crazy.”

“I know you don’t believe it, Bellamy, but there are those of us that support you. You’re exactly what we need here. I know you see the mess things are in. Loyalties are split, morale is low, accountability is almost nonexistent. Kane’s too busy worrying about keeping us all alive.”

“Did he send you over here to sell me on his crazy plan?”

David grins. “No. I wasn’t planning on getting involved-”

“No more than throwing my name into the hat.”

David sits in Heaven’s abandoned chair. “If you want my opinion, I think we need someone younger in charge. Someone that didn’t live by the old rules. Someone that has experience with the Grounders, and not the kind of experience Tyson and his goons have. They don’t see them as people. And I know you have your issues with them-”

“Number one being they all want me dead.”

“But from everything Nate’s told me, you’d never let your personal feelings get in the way of doing your job.”

“Well, I’m not sure where Nate was those first months on the ground because it apparently wasn’t in my camp. We survived because of Clarke, not me. I just made things worse.”

“Don’t sell yourself short, Bellamy.”

Bellamy sighs, leaning back. He shoves his hands through his hair. “David, I appreciate the pep talk and your faith, however misguided, but I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this job when the Grounders are plotting to kill me and at least a quarter of the Guard kicked the crap out of me the other day. I can’t do this.”

“What were you doing before I came in here?”

Bellamy takes a moment to answer, blindsided by the sudden change of subject. “I was reading through the reports from the attack.”

“Why? It’s not your job to read reports and investigate crimes. You’re a guard. Barely above a cadet. Do you even have a rank?”

Bellamy crosses his arms irritated. “Your point?”

“You know my point. You have to take care of everything and everyone yourself, and you would hate yourself if something happened that you can prevent. What you did with those kids—keeping them alive, getting them out of Mt. Weather—isn’t something to scoff at. A bunch of juvenile delinquents with authority issues. But you did it because you couldn’t not do it.” He stands, slipping on his jacket. “Maybe it’s time you have a little faith in yourself.”

Just as David gets to the door, the lights pop back on, nearly blinding them. David grins. “A sign?”

David leaves Bellamy feeling even more confused and conflicted. He’s crazy. Just as crazy as Kane.

But what if they’re not?

Bellamy shakes his head. They are. End of story.

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