So Depressed

[jennickels]

It's killing me. I don't know how much more I can take.

I took the Paxil to help with the debilitating PMS I've been having. It worked. Felt great that entire week. No PMS. In fact, I felt the best I've ever had in my entire life. It was amazing. Then I stopped taking it like I was instructed.

No PMS but now a week after... I'm spiraling downward just as bad as during the PMS. It was 10 fucking mg for 7 days and I've never had withdrawal like this. I'm so on edge I want to claw my skin off, pull my hair out, scream. I'm jittery as hell and my mind won't fucking slow down--it's exhausting me.

Last night I tried to read a book because I couldn't calm my mind enough to think straight about my novel so I could write. I'm reading Tahereh Mafi's Unravel Me. I've been waiting forever for this book to come out. But everything I read last night had me in tears because the main character is so lonely and misunderstood and mentally ill. And I could relate to everything she was feeling and the only thing I could do was weep for her. I'm pretty sure she's supposed to be less sympathetic and more just plain pathetic. I think you're supposed to want her to break out of her shell and stop with the pity party or something. But I didn't feel that at all. I just saw me... empty and alone... I'm crying now just thinking about it and I know I won't be able to finish that book even though she's starting to overcome it because I'm too fucking depressed.

One week ago I was on top of the world--felt like I could accomplish anything. Relaxed, finally at east, head calm and full of ideas I could understand and put down on paper. Today I want to curl up into a little ball and wait until the world ends. If it's going to be this bad every time I take the Paxil then there's no point in taking it. Either have this horrible, out of control week before my period or after I come off the Paxil. What difference does it make. There's going to be a time every month I'm so miserable all I can think of is killing myself. I'm just supposed to suck it up and get over it. Stop whining already. Be normal again. I'm so tired of pretending.

(i've written a post like this every months for months now but I don't post them...that's how bad it is...and it's never going to be better. this is as good as it gets for me)

Comments

[nynaeve-sedai.livejournal.com]

Could you call your doc about just taking the Paxil for the full month? Maybe this is the drug for you and you should keep taking it. Just a thought. Sorry about the spiral :(

[thothmes.livejournal.com]

I always bother reading. I don't always have something to say, but I always read, because you matter, and what you say matters.

Hang in there. The withdrawal is bad, but it is finite. You will get through this. Nynaeve may be right and this may be the drug you need, but you should also do your research on the long term effects, and decide if they are acceptable. Also, there are some drugs that become less effective over time, so that may be the reason why your doc is using it as a short-term solution. Another thing to ask is whether it is possible to use a lower dose for the PMS which allows some of the PMS through, but doesn't have as big a fall when you have to go off it. Or discuss a taper which would allow a slide down instead of a freefall with a hard landing.

Yeah, this isn't fun, and no, you will probably never be happy-go-lucky. That's not the biochemistry you were born with. Still, overall, you seem to be doing much, much better than you were last year. November, December, and January, months where you have been totally incapacitated by your depression in previous years went better than that this year. Not fun, maybe, but you got through the tough month of November with all its echoes of loss of your Mom with much more energy and emotional resiliency than usual.

Things may not be great today, but wait and hang in there, and it will get better. We're here, and we'll read, and we'll be here for you.

[obsessed-psyco.livejournal.com]

Of course we bother reading - we love you. You should never feel like you are alone because we are always here.

I'm so sorry that you are having a downward spiral but it will get better. This drug seems to be working for you and if you can take it all the time then I think it's a good idea.

I hope things pick up again real soon and if you need us, you always know where we are!

*squishes*

[latetothesj.livejournal.com]

Hi. I hope it's not too weird to introduce myself to you here. I saw this post and I wanted to say hello. I've been depressed last three months, but it's finally turning around for me again, that general feeling of numbness is going away, and it wasn't as bad this time, no suicidal thoughts. I'm very introverted and on top of that I have social anxiety disorder so it can get really lonely when I fall into my hole. I can't offer any advice about the medication but I thought it would be okay to offer a few words to relate and wish you well, hope you find your happy place again, and let you know that there's always one more person out here who cares. Good luck. Hugs.

[spiletta42.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry. Clearly Paxil cannot be the right solution! Even I know that stuff has a horrible withdrawal, and I don't have any professional qualifications or personal experience in that area, so I'm baffled as to why some professional person would prescribe it that way. Can't they treat the PMS more directly? It seems to me that plan is using Paxil to mask one of the symptoms, instead of fixing the source of the problem. For heaven's sake, even my home remedy can't be worse. (My home remedy is to eat insane amounts of cooked spinach every day during the affected timeframe.)


*Disclaimer: I am in no way qualified to be recommending anything to anyone or commenting on anyone's treatment.

[n3m3sis42.livejournal.com]

Dude. Please tell your husband he needs to call and ask about the meds since you're not able to do it yourself. You don't deserve to be stuck in this hell because no one will speak up for you. Patrick's your husband and it's his job to advocate for you when you can't do it yourself.

*hugs*

Hopefully this didn't come off as pushy.

[ami-ven.livejournal.com]

*many, many hugs*

You get on your husband's case and make him call the doc for you-- that's his job, you know, doing stuff for you.

I'm sorry you're feeling badly. There's probably not much I can do from halfway across the country, so how about an open offer of cheering-up fic/graphics/whatever? Anytime you need it, just let me know...