So Depressed

[jennickels]

It's killing me. I don't know how much more I can take.

I took the Paxil to help with the debilitating PMS I've been having. It worked. Felt great that entire week. No PMS. In fact, I felt the best I've ever had in my entire life. It was amazing. Then I stopped taking it like I was instructed.

No PMS but now a week after... I'm spiraling downward just as bad as during the PMS. It was 10 fucking mg for 7 days and I've never had withdrawal like this. I'm so on edge I want to claw my skin off, pull my hair out, scream. I'm jittery as hell and my mind won't fucking slow down--it's exhausting me.

Last night I tried to read a book because I couldn't calm my mind enough to think straight about my novel so I could write. I'm reading Tahereh Mafi's Unravel Me. I've been waiting forever for this book to come out. But everything I read last night had me in tears because the main character is so lonely and misunderstood and mentally ill. And I could relate to everything she was feeling and the only thing I could do was weep for her. I'm pretty sure she's supposed to be less sympathetic and more just plain pathetic. I think you're supposed to want her to break out of her shell and stop with the pity party or something. But I didn't feel that at all. I just saw me... empty and alone... I'm crying now just thinking about it and I know I won't be able to finish that book even though she's starting to overcome it because I'm too fucking depressed.

One week ago I was on top of the world--felt like I could accomplish anything. Relaxed, finally at east, head calm and full of ideas I could understand and put down on paper. Today I want to curl up into a little ball and wait until the world ends. If it's going to be this bad every time I take the Paxil then there's no point in taking it. Either have this horrible, out of control week before my period or after I come off the Paxil. What difference does it make. There's going to be a time every month I'm so miserable all I can think of is killing myself. I'm just supposed to suck it up and get over it. Stop whining already. Be normal again. I'm so tired of pretending.

(i've written a post like this every months for months now but I don't post them...that's how bad it is...and it's never going to be better. this is as good as it gets for me)

Comments

[nynaeve-sedai.livejournal.com]

Could you call your doc about just taking the Paxil for the full month? Maybe this is the drug for you and you should keep taking it. Just a thought. Sorry about the spiral :(

[jennickels.livejournal.com]

Patrick is talking about doing this but I don't give it much credence. He says he'll call for me all the time but never does and I can't do it myself because of being crazy stupid with phones. He wants me to start taking it again now because I'm not eating or sleeping. Everything has been so fucked up since I stopped taking the Paxil.

I just don't know if I want to go back on it just to have the doctor take me off and go through this all over again. It's hell. Patrick was worried I'd get too used to it then it wouldn't work for the PMS then I'd have to up the dosage etc etc etc. Which I worry about, too. But he suggested maybe I take it every other day, just enough to keep it in my system. Maybe I should have done that when I first realized how bad the withdrawal was going to be.

I could have taken it every other day for a little bit, then every three days if I felt I still needed it. Something other than cold turkey and feeling like crap. I went from excited about life to barely functioning in about 3 days (and the days in between were not fun).

[nynaeve-sedai.livejournal.com]

Honestly, I'm surprised the doc has to starting and stopping it so regularly. Maybe he assumed that if you didn't take it for long it wouldn't be in your system to cause withdrawal? Pristiq was hell to stop - even stepping down it took a month before the brain zaps stopped and the first week after I was nauseated and having headaches. It was terrible. I'd pick it back up again. Unless your doctor is a real dolt, I doubt he'll just pull you off. Antidepressants are a crapshoot anyway and most doctors just write scripts until something works, even psychiatrists who have been working with these meds for eons. :P

Maybe just go to every other day and then up the dose during PMS. I think that sounds like a good plan. Then just chat with your doctor about it next time you see him (since I imagine he wants to see you back anyway at some point).

[jennickels.livejournal.com]

That's what I thought too about the one week thing. I was wondering if jumping on it so quick then back off would have any effect at all since you usually have to get your system used to a drug before you notice a difference but it was almost instantaneous. I considered maybe it was just my brain thinking this were better, like the placebo effect so I remained calm and tried to find any clues that I was just imagining feeling better. But after a few days I realized how relaxed I felt and not a single sign of the debilitating PMS (and it was awful, unmistakable and predictable).

I really didn't think coming off it would be a big deal. I figured only a week on, not enough in my system to make a difference. Duh, should have realized that if I felt that good so quickly after starting it that it would screw things up when I stopped taking it just as suddenly.

Honestly, I wasn't expecting any miracles. I figured I'd get my hopes up and nothing would happen. At most I was hoping for a slight decline in the crazy feelings I was having during PMS. Something to put me back on the level of functioning. What I felt was amazing--a high I never experienced before.

I'm kind of afraid that what I'm feeling now isn't withdrawal but was how I was feeling all along except now my brain knows there's so much more and can't accept the status quo and is short circuiting trying to process the regular emotions/feeling I had before the Paxil. I thought I was feeling pretty good before but what if I was never more than this but didn't notice it because I had nothing to compare it to? Like I didn't know any better. Now I do and it scares me that I'll never feel that again and I'm stuck with this for the rest of my life. It's actually terrifying me. Or even worse, I'll go back on the Paxil, feel great but my body will adjust fast and constantly have to up the dosage until it's too dangerous to take and and I'm back to this. I think I'll kill myself if that happens because I can't live like this any more. I just can't.

This is the kind of crap swirling in my head like a hurricane.

[nynaeve-sedai.livejournal.com]

Well, I actually live with that experience and yes, it does suck. Before I got the T3, I had periods I thought I was doing pretty well. Then I got the medication and WOW, I was like "You're kidding? Real people feel *this* good? This is what *normal* is?! Egads, I've never in my whole life felt this way!" I found all my coping skills actually worked (before they kind of just kept me from killing myself). I connected to people. It was the most amazing experience.

When we decided we wanted another baby and my doctor told me there was no way I could continue on my meds and be pregnant (since thyroid function is very particular during pregnancy), I cried for a month. Every day. I bawled. We talked about it and we still wanted a baby, though he wasn't going to push for anything, it was my decision. That first week after I stopped taking the T3 was probably one of the worst weeks of my life. I could feel it converge on top of me.

And it's pretty much stayed that way the whole time. By the time the baby is born I'll be off my medication for a full year and we have to discuss how it'll affect breastfeeding too (I'm not opposed to formula for the sake of my mental health, but it's freaking expensive). I panic at times because I've reached a point where I can't remember feeling good. I had this conversation with my therapist - I was like, "Was it real?" It almost feels like a dream. I worry that I won't be able to get it back. I try to imagine decades of *this* and I can't. I really can't. Before I found this med, I was pretty much convinced I'd kill myself by 40.

What I will say though is that it takes time for you build up a tolerance, if one builds up, and that they are always coming up with meds that are in the same vein as the one your taking, but with a little bit of a different make-up. There's a boatload of medications on the market in each category, each a little different (one of the benefits to patents expiring is that Big Pharma is always trying to create "new" meds that are just a *little* different from the old ones so they can continue to charge premium prices... that's my cynical take on it anyway). Additionally, I did a bit of google searching and it sounds like it takes YEARS before you build up a resistance and some people just said they dealt without it for 6 months to a year and then went back on it again, their resistance no longer an issue. So it maybe a bumpy road in about a decade, but there are options.

[jennickels.livejournal.com]

I don't know how you are doing it. I loved having babies but I don't think I could purposefully put myself through this to have another one. It was so hard with Jack because being pregnant screws with my mood. I was so depressed while I was pregnant with him. Hormones so out of whack. It was scary and I wasn't sure I was going to get through the whole thing. And then I was super depressed right after. Bad enough my OB put me on something for my own protection.

Because of how I react to the hormone change in pregnancy/after birth I missed out on enjoying just about everything to do with both. I look back now and realized I missed the first months of each kids' life because I was in a fog of depression so thick it took all my energy to do the basics of diapers and bottles. I barely ate myself during those times and got little sleep (as new mothers know). Sucked.

And the last year I've been so out of it (even with the meds) that I've missed another 12 months of their lives. I've taken almost no pictures of them. I'm missing Jack grow up because I can't deal with being around the kids right now. It tears me apart inside.

[nynaeve-sedai.livejournal.com]

It's complicated. A huge chunk has to do with what I believe about life, death, the nature of our existence, and God. The Bible is full of suffering and how through enduring suffering we gain that which is infinitely valuable. That's the short, honest answer. From that, is a desire not to allow my depression to define my life. I may need to make accommodations (the house isn't as clean, I spend more time on the computer than I would like just zoning out, fewer engagements with people), but it doesn't get to dictate the path my life takes. It was terrifying to set out on this journey and it's miserable being here - I have a lot of terrible thoughts - wishing I wasn't pregnant. Thinking I made a mistake. That kind of stuff. It helps that my husband is thoughtful as to where I'm at, listens and doesn't judge me. He's very patient and giving even when I'm a total bitch (not that he doesn't get frustrated and lose it at times himself).

And it does hurt to not be able to enjoy the pregnancy. For the most part, I have very easy pregnancies (just minor stuff like sciatica). The only thing holding me down is my depression. I don't feel connected to my baby, I don't feel excited. I just feel dread and fear. I'd love to get excited about nursery stuff, but much of what I do is muted. I have *some* enjoyment but it's very little and I feel like I'm digging in dirt to get it. I go through the motions because I anticipate one day feeling good again. When? I don't know, but I know that I'm capable of it with the right medication.

Of course, I've worked really hard to get to this point and I still don't do it perfectly. I've been sucky at getting to my therapist. I've been noticing I've been isolating myself too much. Constant vigilance is exhausting and I feel a bit lonely in all of it.

[thothmes.livejournal.com]

I always bother reading. I don't always have something to say, but I always read, because you matter, and what you say matters.

Hang in there. The withdrawal is bad, but it is finite. You will get through this. Nynaeve may be right and this may be the drug you need, but you should also do your research on the long term effects, and decide if they are acceptable. Also, there are some drugs that become less effective over time, so that may be the reason why your doc is using it as a short-term solution. Another thing to ask is whether it is possible to use a lower dose for the PMS which allows some of the PMS through, but doesn't have as big a fall when you have to go off it. Or discuss a taper which would allow a slide down instead of a freefall with a hard landing.

Yeah, this isn't fun, and no, you will probably never be happy-go-lucky. That's not the biochemistry you were born with. Still, overall, you seem to be doing much, much better than you were last year. November, December, and January, months where you have been totally incapacitated by your depression in previous years went better than that this year. Not fun, maybe, but you got through the tough month of November with all its echoes of loss of your Mom with much more energy and emotional resiliency than usual.

Things may not be great today, but wait and hang in there, and it will get better. We're here, and we'll read, and we'll be here for you.

[jennickels.livejournal.com]

thanks for reading. Sometimes I feel like I'm just talking to myself. At home, too. No one listens to me. As soon as I start talking they begin talking over me about something else. Or just walk away or stop listening or whatever. I'm left looking like an idiot talking to myself.

I am so tempted to go take one. I'm that desperate now. I feel like a freaking junkie needing a fix. I can't get it out of my head which isn't helping me recover any. But I can't seem to focus on anything. Ugh. I can't eat. For most of last week I ate 1 meal a day. I lost like 7lbs and I was eating junk (Burger King, fries, chips) because I barely ate anything. Today I just don't feel like eating at all. It's almost 2:30pm and so far I had a Diet Coke and one of those Reeses Double Peanut Butter Cups. That was like at 10:30 or something.

I'm not sleeping. I'm up until 2am most mornings. I take my sleeping pill but I get woke up at like 7 or 8 and can't fall back asleep. My eyes are completely blood shot and it's not helping my concentration any. But when I try to take a nap I never fall asleep--my mind just races continuously. I can't even just focus on a story in my head to rest my eyes. Every few seconds it wanders to another story and I get up later with a migraine.

I cry over every little thing and I've slowed down to a point where it's too much effort to get up and get a cup of water so I go thirsty. I just sit there and stare at the laptop but make no move to do anything. This might actually be worse than the PMS I was having.

I feel like I'm falling apart.

[thothmes.livejournal.com]

My advice is eat anyway. Appetite is a pretty poor indicator of your body's needs in mood disorders, but mood can be greatly affected by what you eat. Getting some protein, some veggies, and some whole grains can give you a lift, that while it won't be the magic bullet that drugs seem to be, it can help take enough of the burden off that then taking further steps can seem possible.

You know depression. It's an old enemy and a long-term companion. You know that it whispers and it lies. Your family may ignore you when you are at your lowest, but then you don't have the energy to stand up for yourself and be heard then either. It's better when you are better. You know that this is what it's like when you are at your lowest, and you know that you have climbed out before, and you can climb out again. Depression whispers that you can't that it won't ever change, that the awful, the dreary, the energy-sapping state will go on forever, but depression LIES. You know this because you have broken through and seen the truth before, and you can again. Don't listen. Believe.

You may indeed be right that what you are experiencing now is worse than the PMS. That's a value judgment that you will have to make after discussion with your doctor/therapist. It is certainly worth exploring if there is some other dosing schedule or medication that will serve you better. Ride it out, and change what you can. This is a trough, but the crest will come in time. You're brave. I've seen you endure and pull yourself up before, and you can succeed again.

And in the mean time, until your family starts hearing you again, we'll listen. You really aren't alone.

ETA: Beloved husband, when I asked him about side effects of long term use of Paxil, said that that has not been too well studied at this time, that Paxil has been quite effective for some on the effects of PMS, but that the key to the use of any of these meds is "Does it make a difference in quality of life?", and that if the answer is yes, then it is appropriate to use it. So yeah, you should have that discussion with your therapist about whether this is a medication you should be on full time.

[jennickels.livejournal.com]

I have such a hard time forcing myself to eat when I have no appetite. As in I can't. Even when I know I have to eat. I'll get the food out, make the plate, sit down and then just stare at it. I might take a few bites but then I put it aside and forget about it. It sucks. It's ironic because by nature I'm a compulsive over eater. Usually I can't stop myself from eating. Now I can't make myself eat.

I did eat, though. I went and finished up dinner and actually ate some--corned beef, mashed potatoes, corn and asparagus. I didn't finish the corned beef, though (it's not a favorite but tasted pretty good--hubby made it for St. Paddy's day of course). I also ate half a potato roll. I just couldn't force down another bite and gave the rest to one of the kids.

I kind of want to go have a brownie. I have those 90 calorie ones and they're so yummy. I need a chocolate boost I think (and I'm not super big on sweets and chocolate normally). I have some Skinny Cow ice cream sandwiches in the freezer, too. Those things are so good, I could eat them all day long.

I guess I should just give in and have the freaking brownie since I actually want to eat it.

[thothmes.livejournal.com]

The theobromine in chocolate is related to a brain chemical that is released when we feel loved, and is a mood elevator. Unless you eat enough to make you feel bad because you've binged, it should actually help. Go for it!

[obsessed-psyco.livejournal.com]

Of course we bother reading - we love you. You should never feel like you are alone because we are always here.

I'm so sorry that you are having a downward spiral but it will get better. This drug seems to be working for you and if you can take it all the time then I think it's a good idea.

I hope things pick up again real soon and if you need us, you always know where we are!

*squishes*

[jennickels.livejournal.com]

thanks

I've been feeling so isolated lately. Being around my family is like mental overload and doesn't compute so I'm by myself (self imposed so I have no reason to whine) but I get online and feel just as alone. I'm not writing fanfic anymore so there's no reviews to look forward to and most of my posts don't get replies (not that I expect any) probably because I ramble about stupid shit no one cares about. Either that or I'm whining like a bitch and no one wants to read about that either. Fucking pathetic.

*pulls hair out*

I'm losing my mind. I mean, I feel crazy. Like something is wrong with me besides the depression. I don't even know what I'm talking about any more.

[obsessed-psyco.livejournal.com]

You're never alone. Please always remember that!

People always read your posts, they just don't always reply. You're not writing fic because you're taking that step that some of us have only ever been able to dream of - writing a novel. That takes up a lot of time.

You're not rambling about stupid stuff, it's all very important and you should get it out. That way we can be here to help you when help is needed.

[jennickels.livejournal.com]

See, I know people are (probably) reading just not replying because I've been that way for most everyone lately. Normally it doesn't even register that I've had no comments. I don't care, it doesn't bother me. Even the fic I've posted in the last few months has had almost no comments and I didn't care.

But when I'm like this it just seems to be this huge deal and it's so stupid and makes me feel worse. Ugh. It doesn't help that my family doesn't pay attention to me. They only talk to me when they want something for themselves. If I start to talk about things that I want or that are important to me they tune me out because they don't care at all.

About the only time I've had one listen is when I described the plot of my book to my 12yo daughter who reads the same YA stuff I do. She was very interested in it and occasionally asks me for updates. Any other time I talk about the novel I'm ignored.

Writing is so lonely.

[obsessed-psyco.livejournal.com]

I completely understand what you mean about the family not paying attention. It's good that your daughter is interested in your novel but maybe you should bring it up that you would appreciate them all paying attention, at least once in a while. Not sure if it would help but it could be worth a try?

Writing for me is a way to escape into a world of my own and also a way to make me feel less alone. It makes me sad to think that you find it lonely. It shouldn't be!

*squishes tight*

[latetothesj.livejournal.com]

Hi. I hope it's not too weird to introduce myself to you here. I saw this post and I wanted to say hello. I've been depressed last three months, but it's finally turning around for me again, that general feeling of numbness is going away, and it wasn't as bad this time, no suicidal thoughts. I'm very introverted and on top of that I have social anxiety disorder so it can get really lonely when I fall into my hole. I can't offer any advice about the medication but I thought it would be okay to offer a few words to relate and wish you well, hope you find your happy place again, and let you know that there's always one more person out here who cares. Good luck. Hugs.

[jennickels.livejournal.com]

thanks. That actually helps a lot.

I hate getting to a point where I can't see past how bad I feel. I'm relatively calm right now so I'm probably making more sense.

[spiletta42.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry. Clearly Paxil cannot be the right solution! Even I know that stuff has a horrible withdrawal, and I don't have any professional qualifications or personal experience in that area, so I'm baffled as to why some professional person would prescribe it that way. Can't they treat the PMS more directly? It seems to me that plan is using Paxil to mask one of the symptoms, instead of fixing the source of the problem. For heaven's sake, even my home remedy can't be worse. (My home remedy is to eat insane amounts of cooked spinach every day during the affected timeframe.)


*Disclaimer: I am in no way qualified to be recommending anything to anyone or commenting on anyone's treatment.

[jennickels.livejournal.com]

The PMS was bad. As in, three days in I was ready to kill myself because I didn't want to suffer any more. And that was every single month. I was crazy during that time.

Taking the Paxil only for 1 week is clearly not the solution because it fucked my chemistry all up. Taking it every day might be another story. I'd love to feel that good all the time (it's kind of a dream I've had my entire life).

[spiletta42.livejournal.com]

I can definitely relate to the dream of not feeling awful all the time, although mine's just sleep deprivation and work stress, so running away from home would cure it nicely. If Paxil makes you feel that good, I think you should take it all the time, but I don't know anything about the side effects over time. Definitely talk to a doctor.

[n3m3sis42.livejournal.com]

Dude. Please tell your husband he needs to call and ask about the meds since you're not able to do it yourself. You don't deserve to be stuck in this hell because no one will speak up for you. Patrick's your husband and it's his job to advocate for you when you can't do it yourself.

*hugs*

Hopefully this didn't come off as pushy.

[jennickels.livejournal.com]

thanks.

I woke up feeling much better today. I don't know if it's because my body has decided to normalize, the writing helped me calm down or I just imagined the crazy. I'm not so on edge this morning. Although I'd rather feel like I did a couple weeks ago. This is better than the last few days at least.

We have errands to run today so I'll remind him to call. Not sure if he will. He says stuff like that all the time but always "forgets" and the I start acting normal so he thinks everything's fine and I don't need whatever it was. Thirteen years of marriage (almost fourteen years we've been together) and he still doesn't realize that the "normal" he sees is a mask, an identity I put on for my family so they don't have to see the real me I feel inside. You get so good at lying to others about it you forget how not to sometimes.

[n3m3sis43.livejournal.com]

Oh, man. Do I ever identify with that whole "I'm okay" mask. Sometimes I seriously have to tell my husband I AM NOT OKAY RIGHT NOW. I think it's a thing that takes practice, because I was raised to make things look good on the outside at all costs and oh man do I really not like people seeing my crazy.

[jennickels.livejournal.com]

I've been perfecting the mask since I was a teen. I've dealt with depression almost my entire life. You don't want your family to worry so you pretend to be okay and eventually they get used to it and think you're fine. Once the mask is on it's hard to take it off.

One of the hardest sentences for me to say is, "I'm depressed." Even writing the title of this post made me twitchy. It's hard to let down the walls that surround me and let people into the crazy in my head. The walls are there to protect them and me.

Makes no sense but that's how it is.

[ami-ven.livejournal.com]

*many, many hugs*

You get on your husband's case and make him call the doc for you-- that's his job, you know, doing stuff for you.

I'm sorry you're feeling badly. There's probably not much I can do from halfway across the country, so how about an open offer of cheering-up fic/graphics/whatever? Anytime you need it, just let me know...