Random Insanity

So, yesterday I wrote a long, sad post about my cat being missing. I was really worried about him and starting to think he would never come home. My husband and daughter insisted I was overreacting because it's not the first time one of the cats (including Silver) disappeared for days, but my mental health has not been good lately, so I couldn't escape the spiral of despair his absence was causing.

Thankfully, my family was right. After being gone for nearly 60 hours, he was waiting at the back door, frantically pawing at the glass to get in when I went to make dinner last night.

I let him in and he ran right for the food then spent the rest of the night curled up next to me in bed while I watched TV. As far as I can tell, he's fine. I didn't feel or see any new injuries or anything. He was just out and about, I guess.

I made him stay in all night, locking him in my bathroom when he started whining at 5am to go out (like he always does). But then in the chaos of everyone getting ready and leaving for the day, he got let out anyway. Sigh. There was just so much going on. The other two cats were fighting, my grandson wanted breakfast, my son was complaining about going to school right when the bus was coming, my husband was taking out the trash, I needed to get to the store before he left for work, and my daughters were leaving for work and school. It was just chaos, and in it, I just let Silver out without really thinking. 

Hopefully, he doesn't stay out all night again or he comes home in the morning like he usually does. The fact that he came back after two and a half days will hopefully keep my anxiety in check this time if he doesn't show up by tomorrow.

I got up this morning and decided to actually put some time into cleaning my room. Over the last couple of months, I start cleaning in the kitchen, and maybe finish that and the living rooms before I'm too exhausted. The next day I have to start all over, so I never got to my own room.

So I straightened up and vacuumed my room. I tossed all of my school papers and picked out books to donate (my shelves were overflowing), then I folded some of the kids clothes. They all took other bags/baskets of clean clothes since I hadn't gotten around to folding them--those are now on their floors (I fold them because there's a better chance they'll end up in a dresser that way). I still have about a bajillion loads of laundry to do. Okay, it's more like eight, but by then the girls will have a full load dirtied up. Ugh. The rest of the house is a mess and smells gross for some reason.

I had to go see my eye doctor at 1pm to recheck my eyes--I have chronic dry eyes which has been causing me issues. They feel so much better since I started on the prescription she gave me. I had no idea my eyeballs weren't supposed to be glued to my eyelids when I woke up, or that my vision wasn't supposed to be so blurred in the morning I couldn't see for five minutes. Crazy!

Now I'm at Shari's having lunch. I'm kind of lost without the threat of deadlines and assignments to do. I should probably be writing.

Oh, while I was cleaning my room, Jack came in to tell me about some Minecraft video he watched. After about five minutes, I realized I didn't have to tell him to leave me alone because I had homework to finish. I told him that, and he got all excited. He gave me a huge hug. Now I just have to convince him that I can't watch him play Minecraft because it makes me sick.

Why can't insurance companies and doctors be on the same freaking pages?

I'm so tired of trying to find a doctor for the kids. They tell you to look online at their list of doctors that accept the insurance. So you do all that, find a doctor near you, go to make the appoint only to find out they don't accept that insurance. The fuck?

It's twice as bad now that we're on Medicaid. The way it works in Washington is you go on Medicaid (or Apple Health or whatever they want to call it) but it's administered through an insurance company--in our case United Healthcare (which is what we had before). It's a special plan for Medicaid recepients and isn't that different than the regular plan.

The doctor they originally listed for the kids on their cards doesn't fucking work in Vancouver. Her office address is in Spokane, which for those that don't know is on the complete other side of the state over the mountains. And the phone # they have listed on the card is a Seattle one (that's 3 hours away). For fuck's sake.

So I spend days trying to figure out how to change this--had to go to the United Healthcare site to search for a doctor that accepts the community plan. Did that, found a few not far from here and chose one of the closer ones. I finally convince Patrick to make the call to UHC (because you can't do it online and I can't making phone calls) to change the doctor on the card. That goes nice and easy, new cards will come in 10 days, but we can print new ones sometime tomorrow. He even backdated it so any services we get this month will be covered. Terrific.

We call the doctor to make an appointment only to find out they don't fucking accept Apple Health. *headdesk*

And actually we called UHC a couple weeks ago about wanting to change doctors for the kids because the one they gave us doesn't work here and all they did was give us a list of doctors, including the one I chose. And as I recall now, they told us to figure out which ones actually accept the insurance. What is the point of providor lists that don't list doctors that accept the insurance and have doctors that don't work in the area? There are only like 8 doctors on the list to be begin with, with one that doesn't work here and another that doesn't take the insurance, that leaves like 6 to choose from.

I have a feeling we'll have to drive 40 minutes through traffic to go to some clinic on the other side of town because no real doctor offices will accept Medicaid.

What really pisses me off is that a few years ago I took Jack to the doctor before he had insurance and told the Dr. we were going to have to get him on Apple Kids. She said that was fine and that they accepted that, but when I finally got him on it, the Vancouver Clinic (which is just a large chain of offices all over the city, including on in our town) is not listed as accepting it from any of the insurance companies we were offered. Although the Apple Health site says they should accept it.

Oh, not to mention the Apple Health/Medicaid website is completely useless. It has almost no actual information, half of it is outdated, and half the links don't work.

Brenna needs a shot to stay in school. It's our final notice and if we don't get it done they're kicking her out. Jack still has not had any shots (except the 3 he got that one time). He's four and has to have all his shots before next year so he can start school. I thought once we got on Medicaid and everything settled we'd get it all done, but no--it can't be that simple.

Now I'll probably have to take Brenna to the free clinic and wait in line with a bunch of sick people for four hours to get one fucking shot. And they only do shots on the first 3 Wednesday evenings of the month (I think) and the clinic is across town somewhere. What's the point of insurance if no one accepts it and we have to use the free clinic?

I just want to cry.

Which reminds me I need to go pick up my prescription. I forgot all about it over the weekend and realized last night that I hadn't taken my pills that morning because I didn't have any! Which meant I couldn't take them last night or this morning. I can already feel myself slipping. Ugh.

Seems like forever since I wrote a post about anything important. My poor journal is neglected without me writing fanfic.

There's been a lot going on and I don't remember what I talked about last. I think Meagan's birthday.

Well, our vacation kind of got waylaid. We got about half way across the state and the transmission decided to act up. We suddenly lost 4th gear so we turned around and drove home. I was really looking forward to the drive despite the long hours cooped in the car. I was going to visit 5 new states and maybe see Mt. Rushmore.

Instead, Meagan and I flew to Chicago which was an adventure. It's the first time I've flown without Patrick, first time in PDX (Portland Airport), first time using passes on my own. Between the two of us and our anxieties it was a crazy trip.

I was actually pretty calm for the most part. We had to take two buses and a train to get to the airport since the truck was in the shop. That was my first time riding the bus into Portland and the first time on the MAX (light rail). The train takes you right to the airport so that was nice. We ended up being super early because of the bus schedule. I planned for in case we missed the 2nd bus because 1 arrived as the other left but we made it on.

Then we almost got bumped from the flight. It went right down to the line. Everyone was on the plane, they called for some missing people that never showed up and we got on but had to sit in different rows (she was right in front of me). The guy sitting next to her showed her how to buckle up and talked to her so she wouldn't be nervous. Then the old lady switched seats so she could see out the window. She had a great time for her first plane ride ever.

We had a stopover in Phoenix (my first time ever in Arizona, although I'm not sure it counts if all I saw was 20 feet of the airport, lol). We were so early they let use get off and get snacks before they boarded for the flight to Chicago. I switched seats so we were together for that part.

Got to the airport early and my dad picked us up. He had our favorite pizza waiting.

The trip was nice. I was supposed to be helping my dad sort and pack for his move but it was the first time I was without kids and a husband in 13 years (Meagan took off on day 2 to visit her old best friend, Hailey). My dad told me to relax. He even cooked for me. Meagan ended up spending the whole time at Hailey's house just like she did when we lived there, lol. We saw her like 2 1/2 days.

We drove up to Michigan and stayed 2 nights with my Aunt Nora. I really wanted to see her. She's the closest thing to a mom I have. God it felt good. Almost like having my mom hug me. I really needed that. I just wanted to sit around and talk to her all day. But my dad was there and Uncle Mark and my Aunt Kitty (another of my mom's sisters--right in between my mom and Nora). And they had the grandkids over (the boys the first day, some of the girls the next day). I did get to go swimming and got horribly sunburned. I love my bathing suit, though. It was the first time I wore it.

Then we drove home on Friday because our flight was at 6am on Saturday. We picked Meagan up at her friend's grandmother's house. I've known this woman (Cindy) since I was 12, they used to live next door to us. I was best friends with her daughter, Kelly, and when we both had kids they became best friends. Well, Cindy's new house was amazing. It was my first time there. She ordered more pizza and we sat there talking until like 2am. I spent time with Meagan and Hailey and they are just hilarious together. Like a day never passed since they last saw each other.

Me and my dad had discussed (Patrick suggested it) that Meagan stay in Chicago for awhile longer so my dad could actually see her and she could spend more time with Hailey. So I talked to Meagan about it and she was all for it. So she's in Chicago. I never went to bed that night and left for the airport around 4:30am.

Of course, my flight was fully booked so I had to wait and see. I made sure to get there early so I'd be one of the first on the stand-by list (which was much longer this time). Luckily I made the flight which was going to Denver (another airport I've never been in, although I've driven through Denver). I had an hour long layover in Denver and easily made that flight to Portland. As soon as I checked in I got a boarding pass instead of having to wait. Patrick was waiting at the gate for me--ahh the perks of working at the airport with a security pass.

So now I'm home trying to not be depressed about that (my home life is definitely what's making me feel so crappy most of the time).

I did no work while in Chicago and took no pictures (sadly). It was a lot of fun, though. I also got to visit with my friend Crystal and see her girls. It was the first time seeing her youngest, Maddie, who just turned 2--what a cutie.

Meagan is staying with my dad either until she gets sick of him or until school starts. He's either going to buy her a ticket home (so she doesn't have to do the stand-by shuffle on her own) or he's going to do his move in August and she'll ride with him.

Hmm, this got pretty long just talking about one thing. I'll make the rest of my updates in other posts, I think.

I had actually forgotten all about this until Patrick reminded me yesterday.

We have a date tomorrow night. Originally he wanted to go see the Hangover III but then he remembered Star Trek was out, too and let me pick. So we're going to go see Star Trek at 7 tomorrow. And we're making a night of it.

I picked up a pretty dress to wear and some sandals. He bought pants but the wrong size. That man is in denial about his weight gain. He bought 32s and he hasn't worn those since I met him. He wears a 36 now. He can fit into 34s but they are tight.

I'm going to have Meagan do my hair with her styling wand. I'd put makeup on if I owned any. Then we're going to have an early dinner so we can get to the theater by 6:30 to get seats. This theater has "living room" seating. Big comfy recliners with footrests. They also serve beer so we have to decide who's going to be the designated driver (probably me). We should be home by 9:30. We'd stay out later but I don't like leaving the kids home alone when it's bedtime.

Fingers crossed nothing goes wrong from now until then. I already paid for the tickets ($34!) and don't want anything going south. Meagan was all excited when she heard I bought a dress. It looks nice but my legs have gotten so fat since high school (when I had to wear a skirt every day). My calves are huge, blah. I'm going to try to own it though. I see other fat women (bigger than me) and they always look nice dressed up. I always feel like a cow and look ugly. But not tomorrow night. I will look pretty.

I'll remember to get pictures.

Can't wait.

That during times when I think I've eaten way too much junk food and completely have NOT been watching what I eat that I somehow manage to lose weight.

Lately I haven't been concerned with what I eat. I just don't care. When I was in the hospital I told them I weighed about 245lbs because that is what I tend to weigh when I just eat whatever I want. Well a couple days out of the hospital I weighed myself and I was 238.6. Huh. Okay, so I hadn't been eating much since the surgery so that could account for the weight loss. I went about my life, eating whatever I wanted.

I've had a bunch of peanut butter cups lately and when we ate out I order huge, greasy burgers (probably not the best thing with a missing gallbladder but... so yummy) and fries. I figured that number would be heading back up to 245 pretty quick.

Except I weighed myself today with all my clothes on and I was 233.4.

Wait, what?!?!?!?!?

I've lost 5lbs in the last week or so. No way. It's not like I do any physical activity. Well I guess I did a bunch of walking on Monday after my doctor's appointment because I was on foot. I walked a couple of miles then took the bus home. Half the time I had to carry two overloaded bags from Target AND Jack with his back pack on. But still. I went home and ordered Dominos and pigged out (I was so freaking hungry and had the worst migraine that night).

I'm just a bit confused by my body. The pants I'm wearing are a size 22 which I've worn forever. In fact I've had these capris for like 8 years or something. It seems like forever. They've always been loose on me (as I like them) but they are so freaking huge on me I need a belt to keep them up now. Problem is I can't wear one because then the waist rubs on my incisions which are still tender. So I'm always hiking my pants up, lol.

And the shirt I have on is something I bought a few weeks ago online (it says, "keep calm and stay whiny" with a picture of the Serenity on it). Well I ordered an XL. It arrived when I was in the hospital so I tried it on after my surgery. I was still bloated apparently because it fit too tight and wasn't comfy to lounge in. Well I put it on today and with a little stretching (which I do with all my shirts when I put them on) it fits so comfy and it's loose on me.

So, um, yeah... my body is weird. Not sure if I should just keep doing what I'm doing or actually watch what I eat. I'm curious to see if I'll get below 230 because I've only done that like once before. I think it was last year and I got down to 228 which is the lightest I've been since I was pregnant with Meagan 13 years ago. I'd love to get down to my prepregnancy weight of 195. I know that's still obese but it's a lot less than I weigh now. I wore an 18 back then and could still shop in the regular dept. not the plus size one. My ultimate goal, though would be to get down to 145. 100lbs less than my average for the last few years. Even 160 would be good (the high end of healthy for my body type).

Yep, I made it through again.

Brenna's birthday party was pathetic but she had one (and didn't complain as usual).
Thanksgiving turned out pretty darn well. It was probably one of the least stressful ones I remember in awhile. Turkey was perfect, everyone ate leftovers all week and loved the turkey noodle soup I made on Tuesday.
I survived my mom's birthday. She would have been 64 this year and the day actually slid by without me dwelling on it. Wish she was here.
We fixed our freezer! YIPPEE. Ended up being a burnt out defrost heater. We put in a new one and so far it's working perfectly. No more thawing by hand every few days while our milk goes bad (we lost an entire gallon right before Thanksgiving).
And the biggest moment: I won NaNo!

I really didn't think I was going to finish NaNo and it didn't seem like a big deal. At one point (right before Thanksgiving) I was over 12k behind and figured that was it--I had gotten too far behind to catch up with the way my moods had been. Then over the holiday I got a chance to use the computer and was able to write about 5k words. I still didn't think I would finish, I was tired of stressing. But then I saw I was only about 8k behind so I sat there all day (I think it was last Monday) and wrote 8k words and went from being almost 12k behind at one time to being 89 words over, lol. Still I had no urge to really finish until I sat down on Wednesday and realized I only had 4k left to go. And if I had gone that far what was the point of giving up? So I did it. I won.

That makes 4 wins in the 8 years I've participated (in 08, 09, 10 and 12). I'm so proud and I really like the way my story is shaping up. I'm sure I'll continue adding to it over the next year.

Better news: I've felt the pull back to fandom. I decided to try and finish up my SG-1 fic I was writing for sfxpromptbang. It was due yesterday but I was offered an amnesty if I could post after Christmas (without artwork). To get back in the groove I watched the episode my story branches off from and remembered all over again why I love SG-1 so much. Now I'm doing another rewatch. I'm already on season 1, episode... Uh, what episode is Thor's Hammer?

Now I'm itching to start writing fanfiction again. I miss it so much. Writing original fic (especially a novel) is amazing and fun but I think underneath it all I am a fanfic writer and always will be. It's my bread & butter and what really gets me writing. I will always write fanfic, even if some day I became a super successful famous #1 bestseller. :)

Now if only the Bears had won today.

I've actually been doing it.  I used to read a ton when I was a kid (back when there were like 6 TV channels and nothing on for kids before 3pm... we were too poor to have cable back then).  My dad would stop at bookstores on his way home from work and bring me 6 or 7 books he thought I might like and I'd devour them in a week.

Now I barely read.  I have a hard time concentrating and focusing on the reading.  A lot of times I have to reread pages several times.

Anyway, in the past year I haven't read much, not even fanfic.  I finally sat down and read the Hunger Games trilogy right before the movie came out.  But since then... nothing.

Until the last week.  I picked up a book, Divergent, for Meagan but she is reading the last in her James Patterson series and the 2nd Pretty Little Liars so she hasn't had a chance to look at it yet.  Since it was just sitting there I started reading it and next thing I knew I'd been reading for like 8 hours straight and only had 150 pages left (the book is over 400 pages).  I finished it the next evening.  While at the store that day I picked up the second book in the series, Insurgent.  I picked that up the other day and finished it in 2 days (it's also over 400 pages).  I was telling Meagan about the books and she told me I needed to read one I got her a couple years ago, Life As We Knew It.  It's an apocalypse story.  So I read that the last 2 days.  Unfortunately I don't have the other 2 books in the series.

I've found that I like Young Adult dystopian novels, lol.  I don't know why.  Maybe because I like dystopian stories but without all the preaching of the adult variety books.  In Divergent and Insurgent a lot of the storyline just sounded silly but it was still fun to read.  Okay, I admit I also like them because they don't devolve into gratuitous sex scenes.  I prefer the fade to black kind of scene but since YA novels are about underaged kids aimed at underage kids...

Life As We Knew It was interesting.  It's written journal style from the point of view of a 16yo girl in Pennsylvania.  It starts at the end of the school year when her biggest worry was swim meets and not getting asked to the prom.  Then a meteor crashes into the moon pushing it closer to the Earth.  Obviously this is bad.  And things just go to well.  The coasts all flood from tide changes, earthquakes hit all over the world.  Gas prices skyrocket until gas runs out.  There's no electricity, the grocery stores run out of food and with no gas people are stuck where they are.  Volcanoes erupt everywhere blocking out the sun creating a nuclear winter and all the crops die.

The narrator (Miranda) and her family (her mother and 2 brothers) stay at their house where they have stockpiled food and wood (that they chop down from the woods behind their house).  They go from thinking things would blow over before the end of summer to being trapped in their house with food running out.  People start to flee to the south and west, thinking it's better there.  Miranda's father and pregnant step-mother live in another city and decide to go to Colorado.  They get stopped at the Kansas border because they've closed them to anyone that doesn't live or have family in Kansas.

It gets cold real fast and is below zero in September.  When their well water runs out they shut off the heat (conserving what little heating oil they have) and move into their sunroom where thier wood stove is at.  Then it starts snowing which completely isolates them from the town.

A killer strain of the flu kills just about everyone in town.  Miranda is the only one in the family to not get it but she pulls the others through.  But after they recover they run out of food.  She's already eating only a few times a week as is her mother.  Their both going to die and soon so Miranda sacrifices herself so her younger brother might get a little more time.  She goes to town to wait to die but finds a flyer that interests her.  She goes to the city hall like it says and finds the mayor there giving away food to anyone left in town.  They take her home on a snowmobile and now they have a chance to survive the rest of winter.

It was pretty intersting.  Meagan thought it was scary.  She internalizes things too much.  She loved the Hunger Games and The Giver and has admitted an interest in dystopian novels.  She loves to read about societies after everything has fallen apart.  But she can't deal with reading about the end of the world.  It scares the crap out of her.  When we first told her we were moving to West Coast she started freaking out about tsunamis (we're too far from the coast to worry about them, there's a whole mountain range between us and the ocean).  Then she found out that the town we live in was in the foothills of Mount St. Helens which she had just learned about in school.  VOLCANOES!!!  She was hysterical by then, crying and screaming that she wasn't going to move.  Any time she hears about a natural disaster she thinks it's going to happen to her.  She went ballistic when we had a tornado warning in Chicago right before we moved.  Especially since I wouldn't stay in the basement with them.  After being scared of tornados all my life I was actually at a stage where they didn't terrify me and I wanted to watch the storm (it was wild, but no tornado).

So, yeah.  Meagan: no apocalypse stories but loves dystopian ones, Me: now tagging YA apocalypse/dystopian novels to read, lol.

A bright yellow Camaro with black racing stripes passed us on the highway today.  The license plate read, "GOD."  There was an old man with a white beard driving it.  He turned at Washougal River Road (street leading into downtown).

True story.

Also, we finally got a third television.  A 32" slim one.  It's only 720p but it's much bigger than our old one (26").  Now the 26" is in the other living room for the kids to watch.  Also got The Hunger Games so I guess we'll be watching that tonight.  Only Patrick and Nora haven't seen it.  Me and the older girls saw it in the theater and Owen watched it last night at his friend's house.

The block party yesterday was a blast.  I got to meet a bunch of my neighbors including the parents of two of the kids friends.  The guy that hosted it is part of a motorcycle club and they provided some of the food and showed off their bikes.  He's a really nice guy and said he wants to make this a tradition.  Another neighbor said she'd love to host her own summer BBQs next year.  Maybe this will catch on.

I'm now about half way through season 1 of Angel.  I think my favorite part of the show was the way Cordy pulled Angel into the "land of the living" so to speak.  He's still all broody but he smiles a whole lot and I love how their friendship grew.  Oh, and Wesley was such a spaz at the beginning.  So completely from his badass self at the end.

Um, new SimCity game coming out next year.  My husband saw it while watching youtube videos from E3.  Looks really cool.  And totally has me searching for my SimCity 4 game.  Actually I'd been itching to play weeks ago after playing Sims 3.  I've been playing SimCity/Sims games since the original SimCity came out on Super Nintendo (which I still have).

School starts two weeks from Tuesday.  I'm counting down the days.  Meagan will be in 7th, Owen in 5th, Brenna in 4th and Nora in 1st.  Seems hard to believe.

Falling Skies season finale on right now... the seasons are way too short.

And lastly:
Today marks 12 years since my mother died.  Seems like yesterday and still... it's been so long since I've seen her face, heard her voice, called to chat.  I miss our Sunday gab fests.  She would have been the best grandmother ever.  But she never got the chance.