So Depressed

[jennickels]

It's killing me. I don't know how much more I can take.

I took the Paxil to help with the debilitating PMS I've been having. It worked. Felt great that entire week. No PMS. In fact, I felt the best I've ever had in my entire life. It was amazing. Then I stopped taking it like I was instructed.

No PMS but now a week after... I'm spiraling downward just as bad as during the PMS. It was 10 fucking mg for 7 days and I've never had withdrawal like this. I'm so on edge I want to claw my skin off, pull my hair out, scream. I'm jittery as hell and my mind won't fucking slow down--it's exhausting me.

Last night I tried to read a book because I couldn't calm my mind enough to think straight about my novel so I could write. I'm reading Tahereh Mafi's Unravel Me. I've been waiting forever for this book to come out. But everything I read last night had me in tears because the main character is so lonely and misunderstood and mentally ill. And I could relate to everything she was feeling and the only thing I could do was weep for her. I'm pretty sure she's supposed to be less sympathetic and more just plain pathetic. I think you're supposed to want her to break out of her shell and stop with the pity party or something. But I didn't feel that at all. I just saw me... empty and alone... I'm crying now just thinking about it and I know I won't be able to finish that book even though she's starting to overcome it because I'm too fucking depressed.

One week ago I was on top of the world--felt like I could accomplish anything. Relaxed, finally at east, head calm and full of ideas I could understand and put down on paper. Today I want to curl up into a little ball and wait until the world ends. If it's going to be this bad every time I take the Paxil then there's no point in taking it. Either have this horrible, out of control week before my period or after I come off the Paxil. What difference does it make. There's going to be a time every month I'm so miserable all I can think of is killing myself. I'm just supposed to suck it up and get over it. Stop whining already. Be normal again. I'm so tired of pretending.

(i've written a post like this every months for months now but I don't post them...that's how bad it is...and it's never going to be better. this is as good as it gets for me)

Comments

[thothmes.livejournal.com]

My advice is eat anyway. Appetite is a pretty poor indicator of your body's needs in mood disorders, but mood can be greatly affected by what you eat. Getting some protein, some veggies, and some whole grains can give you a lift, that while it won't be the magic bullet that drugs seem to be, it can help take enough of the burden off that then taking further steps can seem possible.

You know depression. It's an old enemy and a long-term companion. You know that it whispers and it lies. Your family may ignore you when you are at your lowest, but then you don't have the energy to stand up for yourself and be heard then either. It's better when you are better. You know that this is what it's like when you are at your lowest, and you know that you have climbed out before, and you can climb out again. Depression whispers that you can't that it won't ever change, that the awful, the dreary, the energy-sapping state will go on forever, but depression LIES. You know this because you have broken through and seen the truth before, and you can again. Don't listen. Believe.

You may indeed be right that what you are experiencing now is worse than the PMS. That's a value judgment that you will have to make after discussion with your doctor/therapist. It is certainly worth exploring if there is some other dosing schedule or medication that will serve you better. Ride it out, and change what you can. This is a trough, but the crest will come in time. You're brave. I've seen you endure and pull yourself up before, and you can succeed again.

And in the mean time, until your family starts hearing you again, we'll listen. You really aren't alone.

ETA: Beloved husband, when I asked him about side effects of long term use of Paxil, said that that has not been too well studied at this time, that Paxil has been quite effective for some on the effects of PMS, but that the key to the use of any of these meds is "Does it make a difference in quality of life?", and that if the answer is yes, then it is appropriate to use it. So yeah, you should have that discussion with your therapist about whether this is a medication you should be on full time.

[jennickels.livejournal.com]

I have such a hard time forcing myself to eat when I have no appetite. As in I can't. Even when I know I have to eat. I'll get the food out, make the plate, sit down and then just stare at it. I might take a few bites but then I put it aside and forget about it. It sucks. It's ironic because by nature I'm a compulsive over eater. Usually I can't stop myself from eating. Now I can't make myself eat.

I did eat, though. I went and finished up dinner and actually ate some--corned beef, mashed potatoes, corn and asparagus. I didn't finish the corned beef, though (it's not a favorite but tasted pretty good--hubby made it for St. Paddy's day of course). I also ate half a potato roll. I just couldn't force down another bite and gave the rest to one of the kids.

I kind of want to go have a brownie. I have those 90 calorie ones and they're so yummy. I need a chocolate boost I think (and I'm not super big on sweets and chocolate normally). I have some Skinny Cow ice cream sandwiches in the freezer, too. Those things are so good, I could eat them all day long.

I guess I should just give in and have the freaking brownie since I actually want to eat it.

[thothmes.livejournal.com]

The theobromine in chocolate is related to a brain chemical that is released when we feel loved, and is a mood elevator. Unless you eat enough to make you feel bad because you've binged, it should actually help. Go for it!