So Depressed

[jennickels]

It's killing me. I don't know how much more I can take.

I took the Paxil to help with the debilitating PMS I've been having. It worked. Felt great that entire week. No PMS. In fact, I felt the best I've ever had in my entire life. It was amazing. Then I stopped taking it like I was instructed.

No PMS but now a week after... I'm spiraling downward just as bad as during the PMS. It was 10 fucking mg for 7 days and I've never had withdrawal like this. I'm so on edge I want to claw my skin off, pull my hair out, scream. I'm jittery as hell and my mind won't fucking slow down--it's exhausting me.

Last night I tried to read a book because I couldn't calm my mind enough to think straight about my novel so I could write. I'm reading Tahereh Mafi's Unravel Me. I've been waiting forever for this book to come out. But everything I read last night had me in tears because the main character is so lonely and misunderstood and mentally ill. And I could relate to everything she was feeling and the only thing I could do was weep for her. I'm pretty sure she's supposed to be less sympathetic and more just plain pathetic. I think you're supposed to want her to break out of her shell and stop with the pity party or something. But I didn't feel that at all. I just saw me... empty and alone... I'm crying now just thinking about it and I know I won't be able to finish that book even though she's starting to overcome it because I'm too fucking depressed.

One week ago I was on top of the world--felt like I could accomplish anything. Relaxed, finally at east, head calm and full of ideas I could understand and put down on paper. Today I want to curl up into a little ball and wait until the world ends. If it's going to be this bad every time I take the Paxil then there's no point in taking it. Either have this horrible, out of control week before my period or after I come off the Paxil. What difference does it make. There's going to be a time every month I'm so miserable all I can think of is killing myself. I'm just supposed to suck it up and get over it. Stop whining already. Be normal again. I'm so tired of pretending.

(i've written a post like this every months for months now but I don't post them...that's how bad it is...and it's never going to be better. this is as good as it gets for me)

Comments

[jennickels.livejournal.com]

Patrick is talking about doing this but I don't give it much credence. He says he'll call for me all the time but never does and I can't do it myself because of being crazy stupid with phones. He wants me to start taking it again now because I'm not eating or sleeping. Everything has been so fucked up since I stopped taking the Paxil.

I just don't know if I want to go back on it just to have the doctor take me off and go through this all over again. It's hell. Patrick was worried I'd get too used to it then it wouldn't work for the PMS then I'd have to up the dosage etc etc etc. Which I worry about, too. But he suggested maybe I take it every other day, just enough to keep it in my system. Maybe I should have done that when I first realized how bad the withdrawal was going to be.

I could have taken it every other day for a little bit, then every three days if I felt I still needed it. Something other than cold turkey and feeling like crap. I went from excited about life to barely functioning in about 3 days (and the days in between were not fun).

[nynaeve-sedai.livejournal.com]

Honestly, I'm surprised the doc has to starting and stopping it so regularly. Maybe he assumed that if you didn't take it for long it wouldn't be in your system to cause withdrawal? Pristiq was hell to stop - even stepping down it took a month before the brain zaps stopped and the first week after I was nauseated and having headaches. It was terrible. I'd pick it back up again. Unless your doctor is a real dolt, I doubt he'll just pull you off. Antidepressants are a crapshoot anyway and most doctors just write scripts until something works, even psychiatrists who have been working with these meds for eons. :P

Maybe just go to every other day and then up the dose during PMS. I think that sounds like a good plan. Then just chat with your doctor about it next time you see him (since I imagine he wants to see you back anyway at some point).

[jennickels.livejournal.com]

That's what I thought too about the one week thing. I was wondering if jumping on it so quick then back off would have any effect at all since you usually have to get your system used to a drug before you notice a difference but it was almost instantaneous. I considered maybe it was just my brain thinking this were better, like the placebo effect so I remained calm and tried to find any clues that I was just imagining feeling better. But after a few days I realized how relaxed I felt and not a single sign of the debilitating PMS (and it was awful, unmistakable and predictable).

I really didn't think coming off it would be a big deal. I figured only a week on, not enough in my system to make a difference. Duh, should have realized that if I felt that good so quickly after starting it that it would screw things up when I stopped taking it just as suddenly.

Honestly, I wasn't expecting any miracles. I figured I'd get my hopes up and nothing would happen. At most I was hoping for a slight decline in the crazy feelings I was having during PMS. Something to put me back on the level of functioning. What I felt was amazing--a high I never experienced before.

I'm kind of afraid that what I'm feeling now isn't withdrawal but was how I was feeling all along except now my brain knows there's so much more and can't accept the status quo and is short circuiting trying to process the regular emotions/feeling I had before the Paxil. I thought I was feeling pretty good before but what if I was never more than this but didn't notice it because I had nothing to compare it to? Like I didn't know any better. Now I do and it scares me that I'll never feel that again and I'm stuck with this for the rest of my life. It's actually terrifying me. Or even worse, I'll go back on the Paxil, feel great but my body will adjust fast and constantly have to up the dosage until it's too dangerous to take and and I'm back to this. I think I'll kill myself if that happens because I can't live like this any more. I just can't.

This is the kind of crap swirling in my head like a hurricane.

[nynaeve-sedai.livejournal.com]

Well, I actually live with that experience and yes, it does suck. Before I got the T3, I had periods I thought I was doing pretty well. Then I got the medication and WOW, I was like "You're kidding? Real people feel *this* good? This is what *normal* is?! Egads, I've never in my whole life felt this way!" I found all my coping skills actually worked (before they kind of just kept me from killing myself). I connected to people. It was the most amazing experience.

When we decided we wanted another baby and my doctor told me there was no way I could continue on my meds and be pregnant (since thyroid function is very particular during pregnancy), I cried for a month. Every day. I bawled. We talked about it and we still wanted a baby, though he wasn't going to push for anything, it was my decision. That first week after I stopped taking the T3 was probably one of the worst weeks of my life. I could feel it converge on top of me.

And it's pretty much stayed that way the whole time. By the time the baby is born I'll be off my medication for a full year and we have to discuss how it'll affect breastfeeding too (I'm not opposed to formula for the sake of my mental health, but it's freaking expensive). I panic at times because I've reached a point where I can't remember feeling good. I had this conversation with my therapist - I was like, "Was it real?" It almost feels like a dream. I worry that I won't be able to get it back. I try to imagine decades of *this* and I can't. I really can't. Before I found this med, I was pretty much convinced I'd kill myself by 40.

What I will say though is that it takes time for you build up a tolerance, if one builds up, and that they are always coming up with meds that are in the same vein as the one your taking, but with a little bit of a different make-up. There's a boatload of medications on the market in each category, each a little different (one of the benefits to patents expiring is that Big Pharma is always trying to create "new" meds that are just a *little* different from the old ones so they can continue to charge premium prices... that's my cynical take on it anyway). Additionally, I did a bit of google searching and it sounds like it takes YEARS before you build up a resistance and some people just said they dealt without it for 6 months to a year and then went back on it again, their resistance no longer an issue. So it maybe a bumpy road in about a decade, but there are options.

[jennickels.livejournal.com]

I don't know how you are doing it. I loved having babies but I don't think I could purposefully put myself through this to have another one. It was so hard with Jack because being pregnant screws with my mood. I was so depressed while I was pregnant with him. Hormones so out of whack. It was scary and I wasn't sure I was going to get through the whole thing. And then I was super depressed right after. Bad enough my OB put me on something for my own protection.

Because of how I react to the hormone change in pregnancy/after birth I missed out on enjoying just about everything to do with both. I look back now and realized I missed the first months of each kids' life because I was in a fog of depression so thick it took all my energy to do the basics of diapers and bottles. I barely ate myself during those times and got little sleep (as new mothers know). Sucked.

And the last year I've been so out of it (even with the meds) that I've missed another 12 months of their lives. I've taken almost no pictures of them. I'm missing Jack grow up because I can't deal with being around the kids right now. It tears me apart inside.

[nynaeve-sedai.livejournal.com]

It's complicated. A huge chunk has to do with what I believe about life, death, the nature of our existence, and God. The Bible is full of suffering and how through enduring suffering we gain that which is infinitely valuable. That's the short, honest answer. From that, is a desire not to allow my depression to define my life. I may need to make accommodations (the house isn't as clean, I spend more time on the computer than I would like just zoning out, fewer engagements with people), but it doesn't get to dictate the path my life takes. It was terrifying to set out on this journey and it's miserable being here - I have a lot of terrible thoughts - wishing I wasn't pregnant. Thinking I made a mistake. That kind of stuff. It helps that my husband is thoughtful as to where I'm at, listens and doesn't judge me. He's very patient and giving even when I'm a total bitch (not that he doesn't get frustrated and lose it at times himself).

And it does hurt to not be able to enjoy the pregnancy. For the most part, I have very easy pregnancies (just minor stuff like sciatica). The only thing holding me down is my depression. I don't feel connected to my baby, I don't feel excited. I just feel dread and fear. I'd love to get excited about nursery stuff, but much of what I do is muted. I have *some* enjoyment but it's very little and I feel like I'm digging in dirt to get it. I go through the motions because I anticipate one day feeling good again. When? I don't know, but I know that I'm capable of it with the right medication.

Of course, I've worked really hard to get to this point and I still don't do it perfectly. I've been sucky at getting to my therapist. I've been noticing I've been isolating myself too much. Constant vigilance is exhausting and I feel a bit lonely in all of it.