So Depressed
17 Mar 2013 11:44 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jennickelsI took the Paxil to help with the debilitating PMS I've been having. It worked. Felt great that entire week. No PMS. In fact, I felt the best I've ever had in my entire life. It was amazing. Then I stopped taking it like I was instructed.
No PMS but now a week after... I'm spiraling downward just as bad as during the PMS. It was 10 fucking mg for 7 days and I've never had withdrawal like this. I'm so on edge I want to claw my skin off, pull my hair out, scream. I'm jittery as hell and my mind won't fucking slow down--it's exhausting me.
Last night I tried to read a book because I couldn't calm my mind enough to think straight about my novel so I could write. I'm reading Tahereh Mafi's Unravel Me. I've been waiting forever for this book to come out. But everything I read last night had me in tears because the main character is so lonely and misunderstood and mentally ill. And I could relate to everything she was feeling and the only thing I could do was weep for her. I'm pretty sure she's supposed to be less sympathetic and more just plain pathetic. I think you're supposed to want her to break out of her shell and stop with the pity party or something. But I didn't feel that at all. I just saw me... empty and alone... I'm crying now just thinking about it and I know I won't be able to finish that book even though she's starting to overcome it because I'm too fucking depressed.
One week ago I was on top of the world--felt like I could accomplish anything. Relaxed, finally at east, head calm and full of ideas I could understand and put down on paper. Today I want to curl up into a little ball and wait until the world ends. If it's going to be this bad every time I take the Paxil then there's no point in taking it. Either have this horrible, out of control week before my period or after I come off the Paxil. What difference does it make. There's going to be a time every month I'm so miserable all I can think of is killing myself. I'm just supposed to suck it up and get over it. Stop whining already. Be normal again. I'm so tired of pretending.
(i've written a post like this every months for months now but I don't post them...that's how bad it is...and it's never going to be better. this is as good as it gets for me)
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no subject
Date: 17 Mar 2013 10:22 pm (UTC)People always read your posts, they just don't always reply. You're not writing fic because you're taking that step that some of us have only ever been able to dream of - writing a novel. That takes up a lot of time.
You're not rambling about stupid stuff, it's all very important and you should get it out. That way we can be here to help you when help is needed.
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Date: 17 Mar 2013 10:40 pm (UTC)But when I'm like this it just seems to be this huge deal and it's so stupid and makes me feel worse. Ugh. It doesn't help that my family doesn't pay attention to me. They only talk to me when they want something for themselves. If I start to talk about things that I want or that are important to me they tune me out because they don't care at all.
About the only time I've had one listen is when I described the plot of my book to my 12yo daughter who reads the same YA stuff I do. She was very interested in it and occasionally asks me for updates. Any other time I talk about the novel I'm ignored.
Writing is so lonely.
no subject
Date: 18 Mar 2013 08:51 am (UTC)Writing for me is a way to escape into a world of my own and also a way to make me feel less alone. It makes me sad to think that you find it lonely. It shouldn't be!
*squishes tight*