So Depressed

[jennickels]

It's killing me. I don't know how much more I can take.

I took the Paxil to help with the debilitating PMS I've been having. It worked. Felt great that entire week. No PMS. In fact, I felt the best I've ever had in my entire life. It was amazing. Then I stopped taking it like I was instructed.

No PMS but now a week after... I'm spiraling downward just as bad as during the PMS. It was 10 fucking mg for 7 days and I've never had withdrawal like this. I'm so on edge I want to claw my skin off, pull my hair out, scream. I'm jittery as hell and my mind won't fucking slow down--it's exhausting me.

Last night I tried to read a book because I couldn't calm my mind enough to think straight about my novel so I could write. I'm reading Tahereh Mafi's Unravel Me. I've been waiting forever for this book to come out. But everything I read last night had me in tears because the main character is so lonely and misunderstood and mentally ill. And I could relate to everything she was feeling and the only thing I could do was weep for her. I'm pretty sure she's supposed to be less sympathetic and more just plain pathetic. I think you're supposed to want her to break out of her shell and stop with the pity party or something. But I didn't feel that at all. I just saw me... empty and alone... I'm crying now just thinking about it and I know I won't be able to finish that book even though she's starting to overcome it because I'm too fucking depressed.

One week ago I was on top of the world--felt like I could accomplish anything. Relaxed, finally at east, head calm and full of ideas I could understand and put down on paper. Today I want to curl up into a little ball and wait until the world ends. If it's going to be this bad every time I take the Paxil then there's no point in taking it. Either have this horrible, out of control week before my period or after I come off the Paxil. What difference does it make. There's going to be a time every month I'm so miserable all I can think of is killing myself. I'm just supposed to suck it up and get over it. Stop whining already. Be normal again. I'm so tired of pretending.

(i've written a post like this every months for months now but I don't post them...that's how bad it is...and it's never going to be better. this is as good as it gets for me)

Comments

[n3m3sis42.livejournal.com]

Dude. Please tell your husband he needs to call and ask about the meds since you're not able to do it yourself. You don't deserve to be stuck in this hell because no one will speak up for you. Patrick's your husband and it's his job to advocate for you when you can't do it yourself.

*hugs*

Hopefully this didn't come off as pushy.

[jennickels.livejournal.com]

thanks.

I woke up feeling much better today. I don't know if it's because my body has decided to normalize, the writing helped me calm down or I just imagined the crazy. I'm not so on edge this morning. Although I'd rather feel like I did a couple weeks ago. This is better than the last few days at least.

We have errands to run today so I'll remind him to call. Not sure if he will. He says stuff like that all the time but always "forgets" and the I start acting normal so he thinks everything's fine and I don't need whatever it was. Thirteen years of marriage (almost fourteen years we've been together) and he still doesn't realize that the "normal" he sees is a mask, an identity I put on for my family so they don't have to see the real me I feel inside. You get so good at lying to others about it you forget how not to sometimes.

[n3m3sis43.livejournal.com]

Oh, man. Do I ever identify with that whole "I'm okay" mask. Sometimes I seriously have to tell my husband I AM NOT OKAY RIGHT NOW. I think it's a thing that takes practice, because I was raised to make things look good on the outside at all costs and oh man do I really not like people seeing my crazy.

[jennickels.livejournal.com]

I've been perfecting the mask since I was a teen. I've dealt with depression almost my entire life. You don't want your family to worry so you pretend to be okay and eventually they get used to it and think you're fine. Once the mask is on it's hard to take it off.

One of the hardest sentences for me to say is, "I'm depressed." Even writing the title of this post made me twitchy. It's hard to let down the walls that surround me and let people into the crazy in my head. The walls are there to protect them and me.

Makes no sense but that's how it is.