page limits and atrocious writing

We had a hard limit of 10 pages for our assignment in fiction writing. It was hard to get my story to fit, but I ended up with 9 1/2 pages--not too bad. One of the women in my group refused to shorten hers, keeping it at twelve pages (I'm sure she'll get marked down because the teacher explicitely said they had to be 10 pages).

That isn't that bad, though. Right now I'm reading a story from another woman. In her intro she mentioned that the story went slightly over the page limit, but once we read it we'll see that it had to be done to have the best ending. Uh-huh, I'm sure. I start reading it and this isn't just slightly over the page limit. Physically, it is only twelve pages. But she didn't double space her lines. In reality this story is twice as long as the limit--I fixed the spacing and it was 21 pages! And is almost 9000 words. My story was like 3500 words. Holy crap.

It wouldn't be so bad if it was well written. But it's not. It's tedious and she has not grasped the art of showing, not telling. So much is just spelled out in infodumps with tons of random spelling, grammar, and punctuation errors. I'm on page 5 and my face hurts from all the facepalming. I can't believe she turned this in as the polished final copy. It's a disaster. It even starts with a prologue. That itself wouldn't be a big deal except that prologue is just exposition about what is happening in the story.

Jessup Jovani is a 5000 year old Vampire, and the cousin of Vlad Dracul. He is also the head of the Jovani clan. Giuliana Rose Damascus is fore told to have great power on her 18th birthday, enough to take down all of the Jovani clan. Jessup’s youngest son has plans for the new born Damascus baby. But in order for this to come about Jessup needs to get Julian to break the arranged marriage of her to the young Damien Cassio Demetri. When Julian refuses to do just that, Jessup is forced to sign the order to murder the entire Damascus clan. He hired two human hit men known for their cruelty, the name of his contact is Ron James. How is it going to happen? Jessup does not know yet. If she is dead, then how can she do it?

I mean, seriously... this is the opening paragraph. I know I'm no expert and my writing needs a lot of improving, but there is no way this is considered good writing or storytelling.

After that opening is an idiotic scene where a guy (the POV character) kidnaps a baby while his partner kills the family. There was this whole thing about how he had to get the carseat and all the baby's things (spelled out in detail). All I kept thinking was if they are hired hitmen then what the fuck do they care if the baby is in a carseat? In the end the guy shoots his partner because he suddenly realizes he's going to kill the baby too. Then it gets more idiotic. He takes the baby and leaves her on the doorstep of some random house. He chooses it because he sees a man returning from work--all exhausted and dragging his feet. Apparently this makes him perfect parent material. Of course, the family is ecstatic about finding the baby who they then raise as their own, because apparently family services doesn't exist in this universe, nor do competent police since no one seems to investigate a missing baby--they just give the kid to the couple that found her abandoned, no questions asked. Da fuq?

So then it skips to thirteen years later to another ridiculous scene where the parents come into talk to the original POV guy who is now a school counselor (presumabely so he can watch over the girl who is a vampire... seriously). The girl is a super genius, allergic to the sun (vampire, remember), and needs a tutor. Of course Mr. Hitman turned counselor knows just the person for the job--a 17yo vampire who happens to be her intended. That itself isn't bad for the plot--makes perfect sense, actually--but the way she introduces him... I just rolled my eyes.

Then it skips 5 years and becomes the POV of the girl (Joanne) who is lamenting how mean her cousin is to her and won't play with her, etc. Except she's about to turn 18. Mr. Vampire tutor shows up and reveals who she is, that she is to marry him, and they must run away now. Riiiight. Of course the time change is marked with, "Flashforward five years..." Oy.

It then changes to the POV of the parents (it's in 3rd person and I can't tell if it's supposed to be close 3rd or... something else) who come home to find Joanne missing and blood everywhere. Okay, some action. Mom faints, Dad calls 911 and demands that the police and FBI come to their house to which the operator says, "sure can do, sir, they're both on their way." Like the FBI works that way. *shakes head* I'm pretty sure they only get involved if kidnapping cases cross state lines or it's someone important.

This all happens in the first five pages. And if the plot wasn't stupid enough, the writing is horrible. The dialogue is flat and inflated. Like she describes everything everyone says in detail, even the stupid things like introductions.

"Hi, I'm so and so."
"Hi, so and so, I'm x and x. It's so nice to meet you."
"Yes, it is nice to meet you x and x. Have you met my wife, Mrs. so and so?"
"No, I haven't met your wife. I'm x and x."
"Hi, x and x, I'm Mrs. so and so, it's nice to meet you, too."
"Yes, it is nice to meet you, too."

All of the conversations go like this. Things that are meaningless are described in detail, while things that are important are glossed over in a few sentences. Like the whole vampire thing. If she would have gotten rid of the entire beginning (maybe make the prologue be a flashback of the murder/kidnapping) and started with 18yo Joanne it would have made more sense. Then her being a vampire could have slowly been revealed. Instead she just point blank says. Joanne is a vampire. Actually Mr. Hitman-kidnapper says it in his thoughts. These are the actual words: "I know that they are a clan of vampires, and so is Rose A.K.A. Joanne Rose Mender." Amazingly the family he dropped Joanne, aka Rose, aka Giuliana, just happen to know her name is Rose and what her birthday was (that comes up) even though they have no idea where she came from. Or do they? When the police arrive and question the dad about the disappearance he goes into this long explanation about how they adopted Joanne when she was a baby and at that same time a family nearby was murdered, including a baby." He does not imply that he thinks Joanne is that baby because everyone thinks the baby died in the fire. Why did he even mention it? It was so bizarre. Then the cop takes over thinking about how he heard about that fire and knew the baby didn't die and that Joanne must be that baby--because no one figured that out before.

The entire scene talking with the cops is idiotic. Scratch that part above. Apparently they know stuff because they kept all of the bloody thing she was found in, including the carseat, in a safe behind the wall in Joanne's room. For real! He shows these things to the cop who just takes notes (he actually already knows what's going on--probably a vampire, too).

I just... I'm not sure I can force myself through seven more pages of this. On the other hand I want to find out what other ridiculous things happen. I'm not sure I can even make comments on this story without exploding with criticism. We're only supposed to comment on what worked and didn't since these are finished, polished stories that should need no more editing. There is just so much wrong with this--I can't believe no one has told her that yet.