It's complicated. A huge chunk has to do with what I believe about life, death, the nature of our existence, and God. The Bible is full of suffering and how through enduring suffering we gain that which is infinitely valuable. That's the short, honest answer. From that, is a desire not to allow my depression to define my life. I may need to make accommodations (the house isn't as clean, I spend more time on the computer than I would like just zoning out, fewer engagements with people), but it doesn't get to dictate the path my life takes. It was terrifying to set out on this journey and it's miserable being here - I have a lot of terrible thoughts - wishing I wasn't pregnant. Thinking I made a mistake. That kind of stuff. It helps that my husband is thoughtful as to where I'm at, listens and doesn't judge me. He's very patient and giving even when I'm a total bitch (not that he doesn't get frustrated and lose it at times himself).
And it does hurt to not be able to enjoy the pregnancy. For the most part, I have very easy pregnancies (just minor stuff like sciatica). The only thing holding me down is my depression. I don't feel connected to my baby, I don't feel excited. I just feel dread and fear. I'd love to get excited about nursery stuff, but much of what I do is muted. I have *some* enjoyment but it's very little and I feel like I'm digging in dirt to get it. I go through the motions because I anticipate one day feeling good again. When? I don't know, but I know that I'm capable of it with the right medication.
Of course, I've worked really hard to get to this point and I still don't do it perfectly. I've been sucky at getting to my therapist. I've been noticing I've been isolating myself too much. Constant vigilance is exhausting and I feel a bit lonely in all of it.
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Date: 18 Mar 2013 09:44 pm (UTC)And it does hurt to not be able to enjoy the pregnancy. For the most part, I have very easy pregnancies (just minor stuff like sciatica). The only thing holding me down is my depression. I don't feel connected to my baby, I don't feel excited. I just feel dread and fear. I'd love to get excited about nursery stuff, but much of what I do is muted. I have *some* enjoyment but it's very little and I feel like I'm digging in dirt to get it. I go through the motions because I anticipate one day feeling good again. When? I don't know, but I know that I'm capable of it with the right medication.
Of course, I've worked really hard to get to this point and I still don't do it perfectly. I've been sucky at getting to my therapist. I've been noticing I've been isolating myself too much. Constant vigilance is exhausting and I feel a bit lonely in all of it.