2021 Wins

[jennickels]

Challenge #8 at snowflake_challenge is to look back at the last year for things you consider wins. This is going to be a hard one to answer because the last few years have been such disappointments. And I don't just mean being isolated and worried about Covid.

In 2018, I noticed a distinct loss of energy and ability to focus, and by 2020, I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue. It affects every aspect of my life. Last year (2021) was my year of acceptance. I had to learn, after 2 1/2 years, that I can't do the things I used to. And I had to accept that I may never be able to do those things again. It's been a hard time learning to cope and do things differently.

One of the hardest pills to swallow is that my writing may never return. The Chronic Fatigue gives me serious brain fog, making it nearly impossible to do complex cognitive things. Like writing. Heck, sometimes understanding what's happening on a TV show is too much for me. Reading is a chore now. Writing is nearly non-existent. 

No matter how much I get the urge to write, when I sit down, my brain is so fogged over, the words no longer come. I can't force it. There's just nothing. But I did learn I can usually (sometimes?) brainstorm. Just ramble and word-vomit ideas that often make little sense. They could possibly be turned into stories some day, but I won't count on it. I had to learn to just enjoy the brainstorming process with no expectations of ever writing those stories. That's about as close to writing as I can get. 

Although, I do consider that a win for myself personally (learning to accept brainstorming as my limit), I actually wanted to talk about NaNoWriMo because despite everything, I managed to WIN NaNo last year. And it was hard. I had to remind myself everyday that no one was ever going to read the story I was writing. I had to relearn how to write (pretty much each day). There was a lot of forcing of words I hated. God, how I hated writing most of the days. It wasn't fun because it was so hard to make sense of my jumbled, fogged-over thoughts. But I did it.

It was my first win since 2018, I think.

Sadly, forcing myself to do that much writing (although occasionally I enjoyed it), turned me off to writing even more. I haven't even wanted to look at that project since NaNo ended.

Despite that, I'm still really proud of winning.