And another bonus meta
5 May 2012 07:15 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jennickelsWorse Than Vampires That Sparkle
by jennickels (aka Jen Connelly)
Stargate SG-1
Jack, Sam
439 words
rating: PG-13
WARNINGS:
dialogue only: Sam and Jack stay up all night reading crappy fanfic—it's not for the faint of heart.
don't own... wish I did, but I don't. No infringement intended.
Jack, what are you doing? It's *yawn* oh-four-hundred hours.
Come here and look at this.
What? Oh, god, don't tell me you're still reading fanfiction.
Yeah, it's great.
Please, it's not Shakespeare. It's not even Stephanie Meyer.
Who?
She wrote those books about the sparkling vampires. Like vampires sparkle.
No, not her, the other guy.
Funny. What is so fascinating that you've been up all night?
Here. These two writers have been posting new stories one after the other all night long.
So?
So... the first one is "shaftastic" and the other is "betterthanshaft." Both list Colorado as their location.
Oh, god. What are they writing about?
Well, it started with a craptastic self-insert from shaftastic. Followed by a very hilarious story with Daniel playing slave to sex-goddess, Vala.
I swear I never thought I'd hear you utter a sentence like that and keep a straight face.
Then there was a heated exchange in the reviews. Followed by betterthanshaft countering with a story where Mitchell's rescue attempt goes completely FUBAR and Daniel saves the day and wins the heart of the pretty maiden.
Classic.
It just escalated from there. The last set had Mitchell getting blown up seconds after stepping through the 'Gate. And then Daniel gets accidentally married to a gorgeous native who turns out to really be a guy.
Please, stop...
And the writing just keeps getting worse and worse. Yet I can't seem to stop reading. Like watching a train wreck happen.
How very cliché of you. Ooh, there's a new story. By someone calling themselves, "sexyalienissexy".
Has to be Vala.
Let's see it then.
SEVERAL MINUTES LATER
I need bleach.
Why?
For my eyes. I will never get rid of that image.
I know what you mean.
Why? Why did she have to go there?
Because she's Vala.
But a threesome... with Mitchell and Daniel.
You stopped reading at the end of chapter one, didn't you.
Yeah, why?
Nevermind.
Oh, come on, just tell me.
Fine, but don't say-
I know, I know. Now spit it out, Colonel.
Okay. It wasn't just a threesome.
Wait, what? You mean Teal'c was there, too. Shudder.
Not just Teal'c.
Huh?
It was all of SG-1.
Oh, that sounds kind of kinky.
ALL of SG-1, present AND former.
Wait, you mean.
Apparently, in Vala's reality you and Daniel are very... intimate with each other.
I'll kill her. No, deport her—back to whatever planet they found her.
In the morning, dear, now come back to bed.
I won't be able to sleep for all the nightmares.
At least you only read page one.
by jennickels (aka Jen Connelly)
Stargate SG-1
Jack, Sam
439 words
rating: PG-13
WARNINGS:
dialogue only: Sam and Jack stay up all night reading crappy fanfic—it's not for the faint of heart.
don't own... wish I did, but I don't. No infringement intended.
Jack, what are you doing? It's *yawn* oh-four-hundred hours.
Come here and look at this.
What? Oh, god, don't tell me you're still reading fanfiction.
Yeah, it's great.
Please, it's not Shakespeare. It's not even Stephanie Meyer.
Who?
She wrote those books about the sparkling vampires. Like vampires sparkle.
No, not her, the other guy.
Funny. What is so fascinating that you've been up all night?
Here. These two writers have been posting new stories one after the other all night long.
So?
So... the first one is "shaftastic" and the other is "betterthanshaft." Both list Colorado as their location.
Oh, god. What are they writing about?
Well, it started with a craptastic self-insert from shaftastic. Followed by a very hilarious story with Daniel playing slave to sex-goddess, Vala.
I swear I never thought I'd hear you utter a sentence like that and keep a straight face.
Then there was a heated exchange in the reviews. Followed by betterthanshaft countering with a story where Mitchell's rescue attempt goes completely FUBAR and Daniel saves the day and wins the heart of the pretty maiden.
Classic.
It just escalated from there. The last set had Mitchell getting blown up seconds after stepping through the 'Gate. And then Daniel gets accidentally married to a gorgeous native who turns out to really be a guy.
Please, stop...
And the writing just keeps getting worse and worse. Yet I can't seem to stop reading. Like watching a train wreck happen.
How very cliché of you. Ooh, there's a new story. By someone calling themselves, "sexyalienissexy".
Has to be Vala.
Let's see it then.
SEVERAL MINUTES LATER
I need bleach.
Why?
For my eyes. I will never get rid of that image.
I know what you mean.
Why? Why did she have to go there?
Because she's Vala.
But a threesome... with Mitchell and Daniel.
You stopped reading at the end of chapter one, didn't you.
Yeah, why?
Nevermind.
Oh, come on, just tell me.
Fine, but don't say-
I know, I know. Now spit it out, Colonel.
Okay. It wasn't just a threesome.
Wait, what? You mean Teal'c was there, too. Shudder.
Not just Teal'c.
Huh?
It was all of SG-1.
Oh, that sounds kind of kinky.
ALL of SG-1, present AND former.
Wait, you mean.
Apparently, in Vala's reality you and Daniel are very... intimate with each other.
I'll kill her. No, deport her—back to whatever planet they found her.
In the morning, dear, now come back to bed.
I won't be able to sleep for all the nightmares.
At least you only read page one.
