angry at real life

[jennickels]

And for once it's not my life.  I have a friend online who had twins about a month after Jack was born and she was nervous she might need a c-section.  I had 4 at that time with another coming up so I gave her some advice and we kind of connected and became friends.  She's younger than me (in her early 20s) with a 3yo and now twin 6 1/2 month olds (boy and girl).  She's so sweet and funny and caring.  I feel so bad for her.  Her husband is such an ass.  He's one of those moron men that think they deserve more because they "work" and earn money for their jobs.

He told her today that she doesn't do anything around the house.  Then he spent all their tax return on things he wanted as "payment for supporting her and the kids all year" (and yes they are all his kids).  All she wanted was some new paints and canvas because she hasn't painted since her oldest was born 3 years ago.  He refused to let her even get one bit of paint because it was his money.  Then he refused to buy formula for the twins saying there wasn't enough money and she should have kept breastfeeding...basically it wasn't his problem.  WTF!

For the record she breastfed the one twin for 5 months I think.  The other had issues and ended up on bottles and it was just easier to formula feed her.  She's so overwhelmed and obviously suffering from PPD so she quit breastfeeding the other one recently to try and save some of her sanity.  He told her people that breastfeed are better than people that don't.  Who the hell says something like that to their wife?

She lives on the other side of the country from me or I'd let her come crash at my house for a few days to get away from his crap.  I will never understand men like that.  What a bastard.  And I bet his parents taught him to be that way which was reinforced by society (I get crap constantly for being a stay at home mom...somehow women's lib got turned around into women HAVE to work and do everything else to be worthy of anything). 

My husband teases me about what I do around the house all day and sometimes he gets snarky and says I spend all his money but I KNOW he doesn't mean it.  We've had our issues, about money even, but never once has he seen his paycheck as anything other than OUR money.  That was from the day he proposed.  We weren't even married and he would cash his check so I could deposit it into my checking account and I would pay both of our bills with that and my check.  After I quit my job (a couple months after we got married) he never said anything about having a mountain of debt that he took on from before we were together (thanks to needing dental work with no insurance of any kind...had to max out 4 credit cards to get it done).

Then there are douche bags like her husband who are selfish and act like spoiled brats refusing to buy food for their children because it's their money and they want to get stuff for themselves.  What the fuck is wrong with people?

I'm so pissed right now.  I wish she lived closer so I could just give her a hug so she knew someone really cared.  ARGH!  I need some good fic where Jack plays the stand up guy to counteract all this crap.

Comments

[spiletta42.livejournal.com]

He sounds like an emotionally abusive jerk. She needs to investigate her options, because his behavior is not acceptable.

Here's a good place to start her research:

http://www.vrcfl.org/FinancialFreedom.asp

Be careful about coming across as pushy -- she needs to know she's not wrong to think he's being unreasonable, and she needs to know that there are choices she can make, but her choices need to be hers alone.

And since we've known each other for about thirty seconds, I'll back off now. Sorry about your friend's situation.

[jennickels.livejournal.com]

thanks. I'll see if she wants the link. She just wrote me back saying he finally went to get the formula and was acting like everything was all normal. It's not the first time she's vented about this crap. I feel so bad for her.

She said she wants to leave for awhile so he could see what she does all day (I'm assuming leave him with the kids) but she doesn't drive (suffers from anxiety) and has no family near where she is at.

Her situation sucks. He reminds me a lot of my husband when we were first married...just out of his element and trying to his life and wants in line. They are about the same age me and my husband were when we got married and we had some issues they do although my husband was never quite that jerky.

Sigh. She's just too far away for me to really help her.

[spiletta42.livejournal.com]

Just listening is help, and I'm sure she appreciates it. Let me know if there's anything I can do.

[jennickels.livejournal.com]

Thanks. Yeah, we tend to vent back and forth with each other about how stupid our husbands are. Definitely makes me feel better.

[cschick.livejournal.com]

She needs to leave him with the twins some Saturday when they're being grumpy and even just take a relaxing walk ;) I remember when I first left O with the husband (to go to a wedding shower) knowing that O hated the bottle even with breastmilk (something we never really overcame despite him being in daycare from 3 months on, he'd drink the absolute min from the bottle, 4-6oz over 8 hours). He was very happy when I returned.

[jennickels.livejournal.com]

She's like to do that but I think she's afraid he won't take care of them and just leave them crying while he plays his video games. Not unlike my husband sometimes. He does the bare minimum when I'm not around. He'll make a bottle for Jack, change his diaper but that's about it. He otherwise ignores the kids.
Even if I'm just in the other room. The kids just bypass him and come to me for stuff because he won't help them. It's annoying.

That's the reason he works and I stay home with the kids. It wouldn't work the other way around.

[thothmes.livejournal.com]

I don't come bearing the Jack-as-Stand-Up-Guy fic you requested, but I did use my Better-Get-Out-Of-His-Way icon. Jack would definitely not stand for this kind of abuse of women or children!

I know that men with this attitude still exist, and my middle kid's biological dad is one of them, but still, this is clear cut abusiveness, and it makes me just as angry as it makes you.

I wish more women understood that spousal abuse is not just a hitting thing. It's isolating a women from family and friends. It's belittling her worth, opinions, or needs. Over time these other things can be just as damaging as his fists.

I'm glad she has friends like you over the internet, because isolation is the first tactic of an abuser, and if she can still reach out, it means she still has options. You may not be able to help in terms of offering a room, but you can listen, and you can help her sort through her options.

It hurts, like swallowing a great aching hollowness, to see my middle daughter's birthmom, a pretty, intelligent woman, be so subservient to her husband, and afraid to speak or act in any least little way without checking with him first, to see if he thinks it's okay. There is nothing we can do about it, because she has to want to change things, or she will continue to go back to him, and to tell the social workers/police that there is no problem, and that she wants to be where she is. He won't let her talk on the phone. She can't leave the house without him, and by now she's afraid to do it anyway.

Sigh. I think I'll toddle off to bed now and get a hug from a guy who has always delighted in treating me like I am life's greatest gift. Certainly he is that for me.

We live in rural Vermont, and most of the families here come from, or are related to farm families. Traditional values are the norm, and I've never gotten any guff for being a stay at home mom. People around here tend to view it as the most honorable and desirable (but frequently unattainable) path, in contrast to the suburban area outside New York City where many of my sibs live, where there are many more women who have careers by choice.

One of my eldest daughter's friends once told her that the community was a bit scandalized to learn that I only cooked about half of the meals in the house. My husband works, they said, he shouldn't have to cook dinner too! I cook on the days he works, and he cooks on his day off and on the weekends. When I reported to my husband the sympathy and pity he was apparently garnering from our neighbors, he laughed for about 5 minutes. Then he was puzzled. Why would he not want to help out? Finally he shrugged. "Folks are pretty traditional around here, I guess," he said. We've been together since we were 20, and we were always a team of equals.

That's what marriage ought to be, two people who realize that when either one loses, they both lose. That man, by his actions, has lost for himself - in that he will never have the full unalloyed love and support of his wife - for her - in that she will never fully trust him - and for his kids - in that they will not be able to trust him to be certain to supply their basic needs. When one person in the team is pulling only for themself everybody loses. How tragic!

[jennickels.livejournal.com]

Love the icon.

Why can't there be more men like Jack in the real world?

[ami-ven.livejournal.com]

I can't help with the real life stuff, I'm afraid- I'm not married and I don't have any kids.

But I think I can help with the fiction part. How does a drabble about stay-at-home-dad Jack sound? I've been working on something along those lines, and this might be the excuse to actually write it.

[jennickels.livejournal.com]

Love SAHD!Jack. He's so darn cute.

I've been working on one, too. Actually wrote the beginning of one well over a year ago and forgot all about it. Found it on my hard drive a couple months ago. Maybe it's time to finish it, no?

[ami-ven.livejournal.com]

Yes, sometimes you just need a nudge to get things finished ;)

[jennickels.livejournal.com]

yes, you do.

*wink, wink, nudge, nudge*