The 100 fic: Every Time I Turn Around

[jennickels]

Bellamy/Clarke
272 words | rating: PG

Since she came back, Clarke is always there whenever Bellamy turns around, even when he doesn’t know he needs her. Bellamy’s thoughts during his emotional conversation with Clarke in 3.13.

---

I don't know how long I've stood out here, listening to the softly lapping waves. The sun's gone down so it’s been a while. When I hear the crunching of rocks, I know it can only be one person. Octavia isn't talking to me and Jasper would never come out here for a heart-to-heart so that leaves Clarke. I don't need her sympathy right now. Or the way she can crawl under my skin and get right into my soul. I hate it. I want to hate her. To hate the world right now. But the only thing I hate is myself.

I last about five seconds before I confess every sin in my heart. I don't know what it is about her. She doesn't even have to say anything and I'm bearing my soul to her. And I'm crying. Goddammit. I wipe away the tears and try to look anywhere but at her, but her face keeps drawing me back—the gentleness of her eyes, the sadness in her lips.

She wants to know if I'll ever forgive myself. I don't see how I can. I remember sitting under that tree with her a lifetime ago. I thought I was a monster then, but that was nothing compared to this. My mother wouldn't even recognize me. But Clarke always sees me. Even in the dark.

When she reaches for me, I can't think of anything that I deserve less, and nothing I want more than to feel her arms around me. I don't know how she forgives me, but maybe if she can do it, so can I. Maybe. Some day.