The 100 fic: Forty Days to Gone

[jennickels]

Bellamy contemplates the first forty days on the ground with Clarke.
462 words | rating: PG

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Forty days. That's all it's been. It seems longer. A lifetime.

Only forty days?

Bellamy watches Clarke from the corner of his eye as they march back to Tondc for what feels like the hundredth time this week. She's been quiet. Withdrawn since Finn's death. Bellamy gets that. They were friends. She cared about Finn. Loved him, maybe. And she had to kill him. That takes a toll on anyone. And Clarke's emotions run pretty near the surface.

Bellamy's learning to hide his better. There's too much to lose. His heart is one of those things. So he keeps a lid on his feelings. Keeps them close and himself distant. Or he tries. Sometimes Clarke makes it so damn hard. She brings out an overprotective instinct in him. He hates seeing her so withdrawn. Hates seeing her hurting.

He doesn't know what to say, though. Nothing will make it better.

Forty days. At least he thinks it's been forty days. He's lost track. It could be thirty or sixty or a hundred. Who knows. It seems like forever. But forty days is a short while. He shouldn't feel this way for her so soon. Shouldn't want to be at her side always. Shouldn't need her. His world doesn't make sense without Clarke next to him.

It took forty days for him to fall for her.

No, that's not true. He fell for her a long time ago. He's not exactly sure when. Sometime between landing and killing Dax. He wouldn’t have fought back if Clarke hadn't been there. But he couldn't let her get hurt.

It took forty days for him to realize he fell for her.

That's not true, either. He realized it right around the time they all almost died of the plague. He expected to worry about Octavia. He hadn't expected the terror at the thought of Clarke getting sick. Of losing her.

It took forty days for him to admit to himself he fell for her.

Also not true. He admitted it a while ago. That day she threw herself into his arms. That day he realized she'd survived the battle at the dropship. He knew it the moment he held her tight and never wanted to let go.

No, it took forty days for him to accept that he was in love with Clarke.

And there is no changing that. They’ve been through so much, and he’d follow her to Hell and back if she asked. This fight with Mt. Weather is looking pretty close to being Hell. God help him—he’s already gone.

Forty days is all it took for him to lose his mind. And walking next to her along the dusty road, contemplating their next war, he knows he wouldn’t change a thing.