Heaven Can't Wait - Chapter 21

[jennickels]

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Chapter Twenty-One - Like a Coward

Somehow Bellamy ends up in the cargo hold. It’s as good a place to hide as any.

Hide like a coward.

He doesn’t remember hitting the wall, but pain screams up his arm. He ignores it, sliding down the wall to sit. He jams the heels of his palms into his eyes until they feel like they might explode. Color blobs pop in his vision when he opens them again.

Coward.

He needs to get a grip, but the sick feeling in his stomach won’t settle. He takes deep breaths, counting to ten before letting each one out like his mom taught Octavia to do when she was scared.

It’s not doing much for him now, though. He bangs his head against the wall as the tears finally fall. He hasn’t let himself cry before. Not over this. He doesn’t get to cry over this.

Coward.

The anger swells like it always does, nearly strangling him. He’s a monster. Has been since the moment he took that gun from Shumway. He’ll never escape it, and Clarke is insane if she thinks he can ever forgive himself. She doesn’t understand. He hopes she never does.

Coward. Murderer.

His hand throbs, but he can’t seem to care. What is wrong with me?

You’re a coward.

Murderer.

Worthless.

Undeserving.

“Shut up!” The words echo around the cavernous space. He bangs his head a few more times, but the voice doesn’t stop. He only manages to crack his skull.

Bellamy has no idea how long he sits there, staring at nothing. Long enough for the room to darken as the sun moved beyond the small window in the cargo door. Hours. I’ve been here hours? Does it matter?

The tears have dried, caking his skin. He feels hollowed out. His knuckles won’t bend. He stares blankly at the broken skin and blood. He doesn’t care.

What do I do now?

You quit being a little bitch, suck it up, and go back.

God, why won’t the voice go away?

Because you know I’m right.

Slowly, Bellamy pushes himself up the wall until he’s standing on wobbly legs. The adrenaline that fueled his earlier rage has dissipated, leaving him feeling weak and foolish. He scrubs his face with his good hand, hoping to wipe away the evidence of his breakdown. He doubts he does a good job—his face still feels sticky.

He’s not sure he can ever face his friends. Or anyone. But he can’t stay in the cargo hold forever. Hiding.

Like a coward.

“I’m not a coward,” he says to the empty room. He’s never shirked responsibility before, and he’s not going to start now. Time to face the music.

The mess hall will be mostly empty at this hour, but he avoids it anyway. He jams his injured hand under his other arm which really does nothing for the pain, but at least he doesn’t have to look at it. He’s almost to his quarters when someone calls his name.

Bellamy stops with a groan as Kane catches up to him. “I’ve been looking for you.”

“I figured.”

“I heard about what happened in the mess-”

Bellamy walks away. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Okay.”

“Okay? Just like that? No pestering me until I finally give in?”

“No.” Kane runs a hand over his weary face. “What did you decide about the job?”

“I knew there was a catch.” Unfortunately, they arrive at his quarters so he has nowhere else to run. Kane waits. There’s no getting out of this conversation, and he’s too drained to fight anymore. “I decided I don’t deserve it. I’m a murderer, Kane. I deserve to be locked up. Or whatever it is Grounders do to people like me. Something about cutting off hands and tongues.”

“Bellamy-”

“No. Nothing you say will convince me otherwise. Find someone else.”

“There’s no one else I trust more than you.”

“I think ALIE fried your brain,” Bellamy mutters. “You know, it doesn’t really matter who’s Commander. The Guard is a mess. Half of them still believe the Grounders are our enemies and treat them that way. They stand by while Farm Station beats the crap out of anyone they want. That riot wouldn’t have gotten so out of control if they’d actually done their job.

“But they didn’t. They were too busy placing bets and kicking the shit out of me just for fun.” He feels himself spinning out of control again and takes a deep breath. “Those two Grounders you locked up didn’t start anything. I’d bet my life on it. Henderson was out for revenge, and he doesn’t care what clan they’re from. They fought in self-defense. And they got locked up. Is it any wonder they hate us?”

Kane puts his hands up, trying to calm Bellamy. “Then fix it.”

“What?”

“Take the job and fix the Guard. Get rid of the guys not doing their jobs. You can let the Grounders go if they’re innocent. You’d be in charge.”

Bellamy shakes his head. “Seriously? You’d give me that much power?”

Kane laughs like he thinks Bellamy’s a complete idiot. “That’s the point. You’re the only one I trust with it. You’ll be fair and-”

“No,” he interrupts. “The Grounders would never accept me as any kind of authority figure. Neither will the Guard. I’m twenty-four—a kid to them. I didn’t even finish my training.”

“Bellamy, you’re already doing the job. You’ve been doing it for months.”

Why can’t he understand this? “They aren’t going to listen to some drop-out-”

Kane cuts him off. “I remember when you were a cadet, did you know that?”

Bellamy shakes his head.

“You were top of your class, high praise from all your instructors, no disciplinary marks. You were going to graduate with honors. Probably would have made lieutenant in a couple years.”

Bellamy crosses his arms over his chest. “Your point?” He’s not in the mood to stir up the ghosts of his past.

“My point is that I wasn’t surprised when I learned you took it upon yourself to lead those kids. You were born to do this.”

“Wow, I’m really getting the hard sell here.” Kane’s frown deflates Bellamy’s anger. He looks so damn disappointed, and that hurts a lot more than Bellamy wants to admit. The idea is nuts. He knows no one is going to listen to him except his friends and a few loyal guardsmen. Could he really fire half the Guard? Would there be enough people to replace them? His mind runs in circles, trying to figure it out.

And Kane is giving him an infuriatingly knowing look. Damn him. “I’ll think about it,” Bellamy finally says with a sigh. “Really think about it this time. No guarantees.”

I’m screwed. Kane is never going to let this go.

Kane holds his hand out to shake on it. Bellamy moans when he pulls his hand out from under his arm.

That’s all it takes to switch Kane into damned paternal mode. “What happened to your hand?”

“Nothing.”

“Bellamy.” Kane tugs at his sleeve to get a better look. “This isn’t nothing. What happened?”

“I had a disagreement with a wall.”

Kane narrows his eyes, obviously not impressed with his humor. “A disagreement?”

“Yeah,” he says with a dry laugh. “I didn’t like the way it was talking about my mom.”

Kane sighs just like Bellamy’s mom did when he’d pushed her to the edge. “Come on, you’re going to the infirmary.”

Bellamy hangs his head. “But Abby will yell at me.”

That gets a huge laugh out of Kane. “Yeah, she probably will. I guess you should have thought about that because she’s a lot scarier than me.”

Bellamy follows Kane feeling like a little boy being led to the principal’s office. Well, you’ve been acting like a child so why not be treated like one? He hates when the voice is right.

“I’m sorry,” he tells Kane softly.

“For what?”

“Acting like an asshole. I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.”

Kane watches him a moment. “What exactly are you taking out on me?”

Bellamy shrugs. Kane won’t understand either. None of them can. He doesn’t know what to tell him anyway.

“You can talk to me, Bellamy,” Kane says, laying his hand gently on Bellamy’s arm. “You know that right? I’m always here for you.”

He nods. He can never tell exactly what Kane means when he says stuff like that. Is he supposed to Bellamy’s boss? His friend? A father? He doesn’t know what to do with that last one. He’s never had a father. And he’s pretty sure he doesn’t deserve a guy like Kane as one. The man has way too much faith in him.

You’ll never deserve it.

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