That 70s Show fanfic: Homecoming (11)

[jennickels]

Homecoming
by jennickels (aka Jen Connelly)
That 70s Show
Jackie/Hyde
23,369 words
rating: PG-13

Twenty years ago Hyde left Point Place without so much as a look back. What happens when he suddenly finds himself back in town and trying to restart his life?  Will his friends take him back? 

don't own... wish I did, but I don't. No infringement intended.

Chapter 11: Day of Reckoning

After a minute without coming up with one reasonable thing to say Hyde decided the truth would just have to do.

"I don't think there is anything I can say to you that isn't going to sound completely lame and make you hit me again." Jackie looked at him, one eye brow raised in amusement. At least she wasn't slapping him yet. "So if I just come right out and say how sorry I am and how much I missed you and how much I, uh, wish I could take it all back, will you clobber me?"

Jackie looked down at her nails, but didn't answer. Well she still hasn't hit me again, Hyde thought.

"Why didn't you just tell me, Jackie. I would have come back. We could have worked this out."

"I didn't want you to come back just because you knocked me up."

"I wouldn't have. I would have come back because I love you and I would have wanted to be there to help you. Do you think I wanted my only son to grow up the same horrible way I did?"

"No," she said quietly. She started to cry softly. Hyde scooted his chair closer to her and put his arm around her. She leaned her head against his shoulder and sobbed. "I'm sorry, Steven." Hyde didn't know what to say to that. He hadn't expected her to apologize for anything.

"Jackie, you did a great job. Steve is a good kid-" he started but his voice cracked and he felt his eyes tear up. "I just wish I could have been here. But then again I don't wish I could change it all."

Jackie looked up him confused. "I can't take it all back, Jackie. I had my own life. I've got two beautiful daughters and if I took it all back that would mean they never existed. Does that make any sense?"

Jackie nodded. "I wouldn't want to go back either, and never have Steve. He's my life, no matter how miserable it seemed at times." The two sat in silence for a long time pondering what their lives would have been like if they had done things differently.

"I'm so confused now," Hyde admitted. "I regret not being here and yet I don't. Ugh. Why does life have to be so complicated?"

"Because then it wouldn't be worth living," Jackie answered. When did she get so smart, he wondered. "So, you're married," she said. It wasn't a question, Hyde realized and she sounded sad at the thought.

"No. We're divorced. Just didn't work out."

"How come?" Why was she making him talk about this stuff. She could always do that-get him to open up about stuff he'd rather forget. Twenty years and she still had that power over him.

"My heart wasn't in it," he confessed.

Jackie looked up him with fresh tears in her eyes. "Where was it then?" Hyde couldn't answer, he just couldn't open his mouth. It sounded so corny. She already knew the answer anyway. "Did you love her?" she tried again.

Hyde leaned his head back and exhaled slowly. "Yes, but it wasn't the same," he muttered. Jackie stared at him, waiting for more. "First loves are forever, Jackie."

"This is hopeless," she said, throwing her hands in the air. She walked over to the fridge and pretended to look for something, then closed it again. "If you aren't going to even be honest with me-"

"But I am," he said going over to her. "The truth is, Jackie, that I never stopped loving you. No matter how hurt I was at seeing you with… I never stopped loving you. That was what hurt most."

"If you loved me so damn much why didn't you come back?" She was crying again. Hyde put his hands on her shoulders.

"At first it was because I was so pissed, then I was hurt, then I was stupid. Mostly I was just selfish. I was so wrapped up in my own misery I didn't stop to think about what I was doing to everyone else." Jackie turned and looked at him. She seemed surprised at how truthful he was being.

"So, you were married and have kids…were you happy?"

"Aw, come on, Jackie, that isn't fair. Were you?" Hyde leaned against the sink and rubbed his eyes.

"Sometimes."

"So was I, sometimes. I was also guilt ridden. Is that what you want to hear? That I spent the last twenty years in misery and couldn't enjoy one minute?" She turned away, not answering. "Well I can't say that. There were times when I was happy, very happy, even, but… Not a day went by that I didn't think of you. They weren't always good thoughts but they were of you."

"That's just great, Steven. So you had this great life, good job, family and all that and I was here alone trying to raise a son by myself. I had to give up everything-all my dreams."

"Christ, Jackie, what do you want me to say? What more can I tell you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything I have ever done wrong to you and Steve. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I can never say it enough times to even mean anything to you and you will never understand how sorry I really am." He shoved off from the sink and headed for the door. Now he was mad again. Not at Jackie, but at himself for not being able to explain things to her. And worst of all-she wasn't stopping him. She must want me to go, he thought.

At the door he stopped, hoping she would call him back. He looked back into the kitchen. Jackie was sitting at the table again crying into her arms. His heart ached. He felt like someone had pulled it out, stomped on it, did a little "Mexican Hat Dance" then shoved it back in. He wanted nothing more then to hold her tight and kiss her till she forgot it all. He wanted to take back all the hurt he had caused her but he couldn't see how he could. So instead he let himself out the front door.

Chapter 12