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jennickelsSomehow wrote this in like 20 minutes so it probably sucks. If someone wants to take a look at it I'd appreciate it. I just needed to get it posted for for a challenge. I will go over it tomorrow once I've had some sleep. I hate posting subpar stories that I didn't take time to edit. Hopefully I won't have to do it again (that would be a kick in the pants to myself to get challenges done early instead of waiting until an hour before they are due).
[EDIT] I want to thank![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
campylobacter for her impromptu beta last night. Her advice was very helpful and I reworked the beginning. Although the first paragraph is just as long I cut out a section and combined it with the 2nd one. I think it works better this way. Gosh, I hope it's better, lol. I cut a whole 60 words out of it.
No more waiting until the very last second to finish a story. I hate publishing stuff that isn't at least a little buffed, lol.
In the Light of Night
by jennickels (aka Jen Connelly)
Stargate SG-1
Daniel/Vala
517 words
rating: PG
WARNINGS:
Daniel and Vala are stranded in a cave during a violent storm.
don't own... wish I did, but I don't. No infringement intended.
The cave was cold and damp. Like just about every other cave Daniel found himself in over his lifetime. Which was a surprisingly high amount. Next to him Vala mumbled under her breath and pulled her knees up to her chest, wrapping her jacket around them. Her hair was plastered to her face, rain dripping from the tip of her nose onto her mud caked pants. She wiped absently at a strand of loose hair until Daniel reached over to push it behind her ear, startling her.
Outside the thunder boomed loudly, shaking the ground even deep inside the mountainside. Lighting lit up the sky every few seconds giving Daniel brief glimpses of the woman shivering next to him.
"You okay?"
She nodded slightly, her chin never leaving her knees. "Cold."
He could see her jaw working as she tried to force her teeth to not chatter. She looked so small, almost childlike with the pigtails and pouty lips. He found it hard to justify what he knew about her actual life and the person he sometimes caught sight of when her defenses were down. Without really thinking he wrapped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her close. She gasped in surprise at his sudden touch, stiffening slightly before finally relaxing against his shoulder.
He rubbed at both her arms trying to warm her despite the shivers that racked his own body almost continuously.
"I wonder if the others are all right," she said softly, her cheek now resting on her knees so she could look up at him out of the corner of her eye.
Daniel smiled, a warm feeling suddenly flooding through his body. Just a year ago he'd only thought of Vala as a shallow, selfish creature only out for herself. He watched the concern play across her face to be replaced by a suspicious glare.
"What?"
"Nothing," he mumbled, biting his lips to keep from smiling again. She closed her eyes with a sigh. Daniel pulled her even closer, trying to cover her with his own jacket as much as possible. After awhile she took a deep breath. "I don't like the dark."
Daniel's eyebrows shot up and he could see the expectant look on her face when another bolt of lightning lit the small cave like the 4th of July. "It'll be okay," he told her once he recovered from the surprise. "As long as the storm is going we'll have light." Another flash punctuated his words. She smiled.
"It is kind of pretty, isn't it."
She leaned into his body, warming his side. Outside the storm raged on but Daniel only paid attention to the lightning, counting out the seconds until another flash would light the dark and give him a glimpse of the woman curled in his arms. Eventually her breathing slowed and she relaxed full against him. Daniel sighed in contentment, resting his chin on the top of her head, his lips gently brushing the dark curls cascading over his arms. He didn't think he'd ever look at storms the same way again. Or dark, damp little caves.
[EDIT] I want to thank
campylobacter for her impromptu beta last night. Her advice was very helpful and I reworked the beginning. Although the first paragraph is just as long I cut out a section and combined it with the 2nd one. I think it works better this way. Gosh, I hope it's better, lol. I cut a whole 60 words out of it.No more waiting until the very last second to finish a story. I hate publishing stuff that isn't at least a little buffed, lol.
In the Light of Night
by jennickels (aka Jen Connelly)
Stargate SG-1
Daniel/Vala
517 words
rating: PG
WARNINGS:
Daniel and Vala are stranded in a cave during a violent storm.
don't own... wish I did, but I don't. No infringement intended.
The cave was cold and damp. Like just about every other cave Daniel found himself in over his lifetime. Which was a surprisingly high amount. Next to him Vala mumbled under her breath and pulled her knees up to her chest, wrapping her jacket around them. Her hair was plastered to her face, rain dripping from the tip of her nose onto her mud caked pants. She wiped absently at a strand of loose hair until Daniel reached over to push it behind her ear, startling her.
Outside the thunder boomed loudly, shaking the ground even deep inside the mountainside. Lighting lit up the sky every few seconds giving Daniel brief glimpses of the woman shivering next to him.
"You okay?"
She nodded slightly, her chin never leaving her knees. "Cold."
He could see her jaw working as she tried to force her teeth to not chatter. She looked so small, almost childlike with the pigtails and pouty lips. He found it hard to justify what he knew about her actual life and the person he sometimes caught sight of when her defenses were down. Without really thinking he wrapped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her close. She gasped in surprise at his sudden touch, stiffening slightly before finally relaxing against his shoulder.
He rubbed at both her arms trying to warm her despite the shivers that racked his own body almost continuously.
"I wonder if the others are all right," she said softly, her cheek now resting on her knees so she could look up at him out of the corner of her eye.
Daniel smiled, a warm feeling suddenly flooding through his body. Just a year ago he'd only thought of Vala as a shallow, selfish creature only out for herself. He watched the concern play across her face to be replaced by a suspicious glare.
"What?"
"Nothing," he mumbled, biting his lips to keep from smiling again. She closed her eyes with a sigh. Daniel pulled her even closer, trying to cover her with his own jacket as much as possible. After awhile she took a deep breath. "I don't like the dark."
Daniel's eyebrows shot up and he could see the expectant look on her face when another bolt of lightning lit the small cave like the 4th of July. "It'll be okay," he told her once he recovered from the surprise. "As long as the storm is going we'll have light." Another flash punctuated his words. She smiled.
"It is kind of pretty, isn't it."
She leaned into his body, warming his side. Outside the storm raged on but Daniel only paid attention to the lightning, counting out the seconds until another flash would light the dark and give him a glimpse of the woman curled in his arms. Eventually her breathing slowed and she relaxed full against him. Daniel sighed in contentment, resting his chin on the top of her head, his lips gently brushing the dark curls cascading over his arms. He didn't think he'd ever look at storms the same way again. Or dark, damp little caves.
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no subject
Date: 22 Jun 2011 05:51 am (UTC)(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 22 Jun 2011 06:24 am (UTC)1. lightning = electrical atmospheric discharge
lightening = make or become lighter in weight, pressure, color or severity
Hence, "Lighting lit up the sky every few seconds" should be "lightning".
2. The 1st paragraph is too long & descriptive for so short a work. Start the piece with the 2nd paragraph, and perhaps work matter from the 1st para throughout the piece.
3. Emphasize that Daniel can only see Vala when the lightning flashes. Unless there's some other ambient light that allows him to see details such as "rain dripping from the tip of her nose"?
4. Don't touch this sentence: "He found it hard to justify what he knew about her actual life and the person he sometimes caught sight of when her defenses were down." It's the character keystone of the piece.
5. Also, don't touch the last 2 sentences.
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
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