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jennickelsSomehow wrote this in like 20 minutes so it probably sucks. If someone wants to take a look at it I'd appreciate it. I just needed to get it posted for for a challenge. I will go over it tomorrow once I've had some sleep. I hate posting subpar stories that I didn't take time to edit. Hopefully I won't have to do it again (that would be a kick in the pants to myself to get challenges done early instead of waiting until an hour before they are due).
[EDIT] I want to thank![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
campylobacter for her impromptu beta last night. Her advice was very helpful and I reworked the beginning. Although the first paragraph is just as long I cut out a section and combined it with the 2nd one. I think it works better this way. Gosh, I hope it's better, lol. I cut a whole 60 words out of it.
No more waiting until the very last second to finish a story. I hate publishing stuff that isn't at least a little buffed, lol.
In the Light of Night
by jennickels (aka Jen Connelly)
Stargate SG-1
Daniel/Vala
517 words
rating: PG
WARNINGS:
Daniel and Vala are stranded in a cave during a violent storm.
don't own... wish I did, but I don't. No infringement intended.
The cave was cold and damp. Like just about every other cave Daniel found himself in over his lifetime. Which was a surprisingly high amount. Next to him Vala mumbled under her breath and pulled her knees up to her chest, wrapping her jacket around them. Her hair was plastered to her face, rain dripping from the tip of her nose onto her mud caked pants. She wiped absently at a strand of loose hair until Daniel reached over to push it behind her ear, startling her.
Outside the thunder boomed loudly, shaking the ground even deep inside the mountainside. Lighting lit up the sky every few seconds giving Daniel brief glimpses of the woman shivering next to him.
"You okay?"
She nodded slightly, her chin never leaving her knees. "Cold."
He could see her jaw working as she tried to force her teeth to not chatter. She looked so small, almost childlike with the pigtails and pouty lips. He found it hard to justify what he knew about her actual life and the person he sometimes caught sight of when her defenses were down. Without really thinking he wrapped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her close. She gasped in surprise at his sudden touch, stiffening slightly before finally relaxing against his shoulder.
He rubbed at both her arms trying to warm her despite the shivers that racked his own body almost continuously.
"I wonder if the others are all right," she said softly, her cheek now resting on her knees so she could look up at him out of the corner of her eye.
Daniel smiled, a warm feeling suddenly flooding through his body. Just a year ago he'd only thought of Vala as a shallow, selfish creature only out for herself. He watched the concern play across her face to be replaced by a suspicious glare.
"What?"
"Nothing," he mumbled, biting his lips to keep from smiling again. She closed her eyes with a sigh. Daniel pulled her even closer, trying to cover her with his own jacket as much as possible. After awhile she took a deep breath. "I don't like the dark."
Daniel's eyebrows shot up and he could see the expectant look on her face when another bolt of lightning lit the small cave like the 4th of July. "It'll be okay," he told her once he recovered from the surprise. "As long as the storm is going we'll have light." Another flash punctuated his words. She smiled.
"It is kind of pretty, isn't it."
She leaned into his body, warming his side. Outside the storm raged on but Daniel only paid attention to the lightning, counting out the seconds until another flash would light the dark and give him a glimpse of the woman curled in his arms. Eventually her breathing slowed and she relaxed full against him. Daniel sighed in contentment, resting his chin on the top of her head, his lips gently brushing the dark curls cascading over his arms. He didn't think he'd ever look at storms the same way again. Or dark, damp little caves.
[EDIT] I want to thank
campylobacter for her impromptu beta last night. Her advice was very helpful and I reworked the beginning. Although the first paragraph is just as long I cut out a section and combined it with the 2nd one. I think it works better this way. Gosh, I hope it's better, lol. I cut a whole 60 words out of it.No more waiting until the very last second to finish a story. I hate publishing stuff that isn't at least a little buffed, lol.
In the Light of Night
by jennickels (aka Jen Connelly)
Stargate SG-1
Daniel/Vala
517 words
rating: PG
WARNINGS:
Daniel and Vala are stranded in a cave during a violent storm.
don't own... wish I did, but I don't. No infringement intended.
The cave was cold and damp. Like just about every other cave Daniel found himself in over his lifetime. Which was a surprisingly high amount. Next to him Vala mumbled under her breath and pulled her knees up to her chest, wrapping her jacket around them. Her hair was plastered to her face, rain dripping from the tip of her nose onto her mud caked pants. She wiped absently at a strand of loose hair until Daniel reached over to push it behind her ear, startling her.
Outside the thunder boomed loudly, shaking the ground even deep inside the mountainside. Lighting lit up the sky every few seconds giving Daniel brief glimpses of the woman shivering next to him.
"You okay?"
She nodded slightly, her chin never leaving her knees. "Cold."
He could see her jaw working as she tried to force her teeth to not chatter. She looked so small, almost childlike with the pigtails and pouty lips. He found it hard to justify what he knew about her actual life and the person he sometimes caught sight of when her defenses were down. Without really thinking he wrapped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her close. She gasped in surprise at his sudden touch, stiffening slightly before finally relaxing against his shoulder.
He rubbed at both her arms trying to warm her despite the shivers that racked his own body almost continuously.
"I wonder if the others are all right," she said softly, her cheek now resting on her knees so she could look up at him out of the corner of her eye.
Daniel smiled, a warm feeling suddenly flooding through his body. Just a year ago he'd only thought of Vala as a shallow, selfish creature only out for herself. He watched the concern play across her face to be replaced by a suspicious glare.
"What?"
"Nothing," he mumbled, biting his lips to keep from smiling again. She closed her eyes with a sigh. Daniel pulled her even closer, trying to cover her with his own jacket as much as possible. After awhile she took a deep breath. "I don't like the dark."
Daniel's eyebrows shot up and he could see the expectant look on her face when another bolt of lightning lit the small cave like the 4th of July. "It'll be okay," he told her once he recovered from the surprise. "As long as the storm is going we'll have light." Another flash punctuated his words. She smiled.
"It is kind of pretty, isn't it."
She leaned into his body, warming his side. Outside the storm raged on but Daniel only paid attention to the lightning, counting out the seconds until another flash would light the dark and give him a glimpse of the woman curled in his arms. Eventually her breathing slowed and she relaxed full against him. Daniel sighed in contentment, resting his chin on the top of her head, his lips gently brushing the dark curls cascading over his arms. He didn't think he'd ever look at storms the same way again. Or dark, damp little caves.
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no subject
Date: 22 Jun 2011 05:51 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 22 Jun 2011 03:53 pm (UTC)We did drive through this HUGE storm once in the middle of Illinois while traveling back from my inlaws. It was getting nasty but we were trying to push through to a town because there were tornado warnings going out and we didn't want to be stuck on the side of the road. Then this lightning hit really close. I know it was close because we were all momentarily blinded and actually FELT the concussion of it. Everything vibrated and thunder was so loud we all screamed.
It's pretty scary to be doing 70mph on the Interstate and be momentarily blinded. That happened twice and then, luckily, we found a gas station and pulled off the road until the storm passed. I like to watch them, not drive in them.
We don't get storms out here. It just rains. Occasionally we get a roll of thunder and a couple lightning bursts in the distance but that's it. My brother has lived in the area for 13 years and he says that's the one thing he really misses about the midwest... the big storms. Of course he didn't have to go through the tornado warning last summer that knocked down the fence in my dad's yard, rocked our BRICK house so hard you could feel it, have to hide kids in the basement, debris flying every where, trees down, roofs blown off. And that was a mild storm (tornado didn't actually touch down but it was windy).
no subject
Date: 22 Jun 2011 06:24 am (UTC)1. lightning = electrical atmospheric discharge
lightening = make or become lighter in weight, pressure, color or severity
Hence, "Lighting lit up the sky every few seconds" should be "lightning".
2. The 1st paragraph is too long & descriptive for so short a work. Start the piece with the 2nd paragraph, and perhaps work matter from the 1st para throughout the piece.
3. Emphasize that Daniel can only see Vala when the lightning flashes. Unless there's some other ambient light that allows him to see details such as "rain dripping from the tip of her nose"?
4. Don't touch this sentence: "He found it hard to justify what he knew about her actual life and the person he sometimes caught sight of when her defenses were down." It's the character keystone of the piece.
5. Also, don't touch the last 2 sentences.
no subject
Date: 22 Jun 2011 04:07 pm (UTC)I don't usually ask for betas for my short fics (I don't like bothering people and I sometimes finish a lot of stories at the same time). I just needed someone to look at it and tell me if I made some glaring spelling/grammar errors.
Which you pointed out (THANK YOU) and now I feel like an idiot, lol.
1. THANK YOU for pointing this out because I think I've been writing it "lightening" for... always and didn't even notice I was spelling it wrong. *facepalm* That's one of those things I should have caught years ago and just never even noticed. And the really sad part is all those times I wrote the word I had to say it slowly in my head and then would spell it with the "en". D'oh. I'll go back and fix that right away.
2. I'll take a look at it and see what I can work out. I do tend to start off with long paragraphs. I think, actually, the first paragraph was split in two when I first wrote it then I combined them when I typed it up but I'll reread it and see if I can make it work better.
3. Yeah, I realized at the end that I didn't mention that earlier.
4. Sometimes I get hit with a moment of brilliance. I love that line, too.
5. Those were like just tossed in at the last second because I needed something to tie back to the beginning (ah, those lessons you learn in 7th grade English class)
Thanks for pointing that stuff out, especially the lightning thing. I feel like a dope for never realizing that error. All those storm stories...
LOL.
no subject
Date: 22 Jun 2011 04:29 pm (UTC)If you love grammar, join
Regarding #2: I'm one of those Show vs. Tell advocates who likes all stories to start with action instead of description. That way, exposition is revealed more suspensefully, instead of feeling like an info-dump.
no subject
Date: 22 Jun 2011 04:55 pm (UTC)It's like a mantra I repeat while I'm writing. Usually I take more care but, like I said, it was a rush job.
Oh, and I watch fandom_grammar. I find the articles interesting. I was actually going to major in linguistics in college but never finished school.