Heaven Can't Wait - Chapter 40
7 Nov 2020 09:42 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jennickels
Chapter Forty - Too Much Like Admitting Defeat
The two wander around the station most of the day, and Bellamy finds himself adopting Abby’s habit of filling the silence with rambling descriptions of things. He tells her about what the Ark was and how it came to Earth and about Skaikru and the Grounders. He leaves out all of the gruesome parts which doesn't leave much to talk about. Since she can’t understand him anyway, he tells her about how the ship is run, where the generators are and promises to show her the hydroponics bay when they get it up and running.
It hits him suddenly that he probably won't. She’ll be going to a Grounder family soon, and since they hate him almost as much as he hates himself, he’ll probably never see her again. A lump pushes up his throat, swelling until he can barely breathe. He suddenly swings Heaven up into his arms, hugging her tight.
She squeezes back then lays her head on his shoulder, fingers in his hair. He takes a deep, steadying breath. She smells like lavender—he never wants to forget this smell. Or how her little body feels in his arms, tucked safely against his chest. The whole thing is surreal, and yet, feels absolutely natural. Perfect even. Like Heaven was born to be right here, dosing on his shoulder while they wander.
But she wasn’t. She had a family, and you took that away from her. You don’t deserve her.
Bellamy squeezes his eyes shut, trying not to think about it. She’s here now, and that’s all that matters. I have to keep her safe.
And she’s safe with you?
He wants to answer with a resounding, “yes,” but that would be a lie. With the Grounders and the Guard out to get him, safe isn’t a word that would describe his life right now. Why can’t he have just one day where he doesn’t worry about anything?
Because that would be too easy, and you don’t deserve easy, either.
His sigh momentarily wakes Heaven who peeks at him from under heavy lashes, smiling around the thumb in her mouth. Her fingers start twisting in the curls at the nape of his neck again, sending that warm rush of contentment through his body. This sigh is less weary and more relieved.
“Thank you,” he whispers into her hair as she lays her head back down on his shoulder with a yawn.
After a while, they end up back in the mess hall. Only a few tables are occupied this early in the evening. There’s nothing to eat, yet, but there’s really nowhere else to go to socialize with every inch of available space used for storage so several small groups are huddled in different corners.
He chooses a free table in the back and sets Heaven across from him. She slumps back in the chair tiredly until he slides the last bits of leftover fruit across to her. She quickly perks up, snatching the food up before anyone else can have a chance at it. Bellamy rests his elbows on the table and rubs his eyes. His headache has returned, now thrumming between his ears—eerie little noises exploding like bombs. He feels worn down. It seems like no matter how much sleep he gets, he never feels rested. He knows he should ask Abby about it, but her mother-henning is too overwhelming sometimes.
You could ask Clarke.
He shakes away the thought—that sounds too much like admitting defeat, and he won’t let this life finish him off like that.
Heaven suddenly looks up, food hanging from her mouth. Bellamy glances over his shoulder at Kane then drops his head onto the table with a groan. Not someone he really wants to talk to right now.
Kane slides into the seat next to him, patting Bellamy’s shoulder. “I’m not here to hassle you about the job. I just wanted to make sure you're okay.”
Bellamy rubs his face. “Abby sent you, didn’t she?”
Kane chuckles. “She’s worried about you. So am I.”
“I’m fine.”
Kane’s lips press into a tight line as he takes in Bellamy’s face. “You look exhausted,” he says finally. “Have you gotten any sleep since you got back?”
“Yeah. Plenty of sleep.” He thinks about telling Kane everything, but that awkward feeling of defeat keeps his jaw clamped tight. He doesn't trust easily. An entire lifetime of keeping secrets will do that to you. “Really, I’m fine.”
“I don’t believe you, but I’m going to let it go.”
Bellamy sighs with relief.
“Now about the Commander’s position.”
Bellamy’s head hits the table again, getting a laugh from Kane. The older man throws his hands up. “I’m kidding. But we will discuss it later when you're not-” He glances at Heaven. “-Preoccupied.”
“Thanks,” he mumbles into his arms.
“You know, I’m not going to let this go until you accept the job.”
“I know.”
Kane pats his shoulder again but stops suddenly, getting very still. Bellamy looks up. Indra and a couple other Grounders are heading their way. Panic surges through Bellamy as he looks at Heaven. No, it’s too soon.
“Indra,” Kane says, standing as they approach. “Marta, Benedict.”
Indra accepts Kane’s outstretched arm in greeting.
“Chancellor,” Marta says with a slight bow of her head. Benedict just grunts, obviously uncomfortable so near the Skaikru riff-raff.
They completely ignore Bellamy. “We’ve come for the child,” Indra says without preamble.
“So you've found her family?” asks Kane.
“No. No one from her village survived the City of Light.” Her words are edged with steel that cuts Bellamy to the bone. “But she belongs with her own kind. Marta and Benedict have volunteered to take her in.”
“Of course,” Kane says easily—always the politician.
Bellamy glances at Heaven. She knows something is up. She keeps looking around at all of the adults, brow furrowed. Other people in the mess are watching, too—probably wondering if there’s going to be another blow-up. Bellamy stands. “Not here.”
“Yes,” agrees Kane. “Let's take this somewhere more private.”
“That is acceptable,” Indra says, turning crisply.
Bellamy swallows—barely able to breathe—and lifts Heaven into his arms for the last time. He has to fight back tears. How did he get so attached after just one week?
Kane falls into step next to him as they follow the Grounders. Marta babbles in bubbly Grounder to Heaven who doesn’t acknowledge her. She clutches Bellamy like she realizes this is goodbye, too.
“You okay?” Kane asks.
Bellamy can only nod because if he speaks, the hitch in his voice will give him away. Kane squeezes his shoulder. “You're doing the right thing.”
He nods again, wishing Kane would just shut up. He hugs Heaven tighter, pressing his nose into her hair. The lavender does nothing to calm his nerves.
The walk to the entrance of the Grounder side of the station is way too short. Indra stops at the door. No words are needed. Her eyes say, “hand over the child or you die.”
Bellamy lifts Heaven’s face to his. She doesn’t take the thumb out of her mouth. Her eyes are already tearing up. Or maybe those are his tears, blurring her face.
He kisses her forehead softly. “I’m so sorry,” he whispers low enough that only she can hear. “You’ll be okay, I promise. They look like really good people. They’ll take care of you way better than I can. And there will be other kids your age.”
Tears slip down her freckled cheeks, ripping Bellamy’s heart in two. He doesn't think he’ll ever be whole again. His mom. Gina. Both gone. Octavia can barely stand to look at him let alone be in the same room. Even Clarke. He’s given a little piece of himself away with every one of them leaving nothing behind for himself.
Indra taps her foot impatiently. Benedict sighs. Bellamy takes one last look at Heaven then hands her to Marta. Heaven immediately starts wailing, reaching for him—her hands opening and closing in desperation. Marta speaks softly in Grounder. He’s never seen a Grounder be so tender, and it helps relieve his misgivings a little. She's a nurturer like Abby. She’ll be able to take care of Heaven so much better than he ever could.
Bellamy forces a smile onto his face. “It’ll be okay.”
Kane nods at Indra, and they walk away. The sounds of Heaven's cries are going to haunt his dream along with the screams of the men he murdered. Heaven’s father. His jaw trembles, and he bites down hard, sure his teeth are going to crack.
Kane puts a fatherly hand on his neck, squeezing it gently. “You did the right thing.”
Bellamy nods, unable to do anything else. He feels like an idiot for acting this way. She's just some kid he found in the woods. He’s known her less than a week. It’s ridiculous for him to be so broken up about losing her. He tells himself that over and over, but he doesn’t feel any better.
Kane leaves him in front of his quarters. “You going to be okay?”
Bellamy sighs. “Yeah. I just need to sleep off this headache. I’ll come by your office in the morning.”
“Your office,” Kane corrects.
“Yeah, whatever.” Bellamy can’t keep the defeat from his voice. He finds he doesn’t even care anymore.
