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jennickelsIt Was Only a Matter of Time
by jennickels (aka Jen Connelly)
That 70s Show
Jackie/Hyde
rating: PG-13
Jack and Hyde work through their problems after Hyde finds Kelso in Jackie's Chicago hotel room (AU after season 7 finale). [start from the beginning: Chapter 1]
Chapter 15: The Confession
"Where are you going to stay?" Donna asked Jackie as she watched her pack. Jackie shrugged. She didn't have any other friends in Point Place.
"I just know I can't stay here," she told her best friend. It was too painful being so close to Steven. "Maybe I'll try and get my job back in Chicago."
Donna sat on the bed next to Jackie's pink suitcase. She seemed at a loss for words. It wasn't like Donna not to have some meaningful advice. Jackie closed the suitcase and sighed. She felt like her life was oer. How did it happen so quickly, she wondered. Just a few weeks ago she was perfectly happy. She had turned 18, graduated form high school. She had a boyfriend who supposedly loved her and a career ready to take flight. Now she sat in Donna's room with nothing-no job, no place to live and no Steven. She felt tears burning her eyes again, but she refused to cry anymore of Steven Hyde.
Steven had made I perfectly clear how he felt about her. It wasn't so much in what he had said to her. She knew that he had been angry and probably didn't mean any of it, but he still said it and that was what hurt the most. How could he say those things in such a callous way without even flinching. Steven could be so cold sometimes. He had stood there and told her he had slept with that skank with a straight face. He had purposely tried to hurt her. Jackie was pretty sure he hadn't slept with Missy. He promised never to do that again and she trusted him, but seeing that whore draped around him and sent her head spinning. She couldn't think of anything else.
Jackie wasn't entirely innocent in all of this either. She knew that. She had said a lot of hurtful things, too. And worst of all, she had called him Hyde. She wanted something that would hit him in the gut like an 18 wheeler, something he wasn't about to shake off. She used to call him Hyde way back when. The only people that called him Steven were Mr. and Mrs. Forman, but when she started to get a crush on him she switched to his first name. She asked him once if it bothered him that she called him Steven. He had sat there quietly fo a few seconds then finally admitted that it didn't, that in fact he liked it. Jackie had felt all fuzzy inside when he told her that. She knew calling him Hyde would get his attention. It would make clear exactly how angry she was with him without her having to say it. He had just stood there, staring. Jackie had peeked over her shoulder to see the look on his face; it was one of utter defeat.
At first Jackie had been satisfied with her victory, but the more she thought about that look the sadder she got. She had hurt him down in the core of who he was. The kind of hurt Bud had done to him and, on a lesser scale, his mother. He didn't talk about that kind of hurt, but she knew it was there. He looked… Jackie fought to find the right word. He looked betrayed. Jackie felt tired. She wanted to curl up in her warm blanket and sleep for three months.
"I think I'm going to go for a walk," she told Donna.
"Do you want me to come with?" Donna asked, worried.
"No, it's okay. Maybe I'll go to the mall. That always cheers me up."
"Jackie," Donna started. Jackie turned waiting for Donna to ask her something else. Donna seemed to fight with her own good senses then finally sighed and asked, "do you still love him?"
Jackie looked down at her feet. Her pink toenails peeked out from the end of her sandals. She caught herself admiring how nice they looked, but felt ashamed that she was thinking about something like that now. She really was conceited, she thought. She finally looked up at Donna, hoping her expression said it all because she didn't think she could say the words. Donna nodding in understanding and dropped the subject.
Jackie took the bus to the mall. She thought back to a time when she wouldn't have been caught dead taking public transportation, but she wasn't that same person anymore. She watched all the people on the bus and wondered if their lives were as complicated as her own. She figured they were. That was just how life was. She wondered around the mall for a couple of hours. Her heart wasn't into shopping and that scared her a little. She only bought one thing-a Rolling Stones t-shirt that she knew Steven would have liked. She planned to wrap it up and leave it in the front seat of his car, just so he knew she didn't completely hate him. It was already getting dark when she left. Jackie wandered around the streets of Point Place kicking herself for all of the mistakes she had made in the last month.
A cold breeze stirred the trees. Jackie realized she hadn't brought her sweater and wished she had bought one at the mall, but it was too late now. She rubbed her arms, looking around for a place to warm up. Her heart skipped when she realized where she was. Just thirty feet away sat the El Camino parked outside Grooves. Jackie swallowed hard. Breath, she told herself. How did he have this effect on her, she thought. How could he stop her breathing just by the mere thought of him. She shuddered. She could just turn and run back to Donna's. Steven would never know she had been there, but some part of wanted to see him again. She wanted to know if she had sent him running to the arms of that freak, Missy, our of pure spite for her. She snuck closer to the store, trying to see through the blinds on the window.
Steven was sitting on the couch, his face in his hands. Jackie moved to the door to get a better view. WB was standing over him. He glanced up and Jackie realized she was in full sight. She stumbled back, but not before she WB tap Steven on the shoulder. His head had shot up before he jumped from the couch. Jackie didn't wait to see what else he did; she ran as fast as she could. She didn't hear the door open behind her so she calmed a little as she found herself outside of the playground again. She walked around to the opening in the fence and looked around.
She swore she could still hear the laughter of children playing. She shivered, still thinking of her forgotten sweater. She didn't know what else to do so she sat on one of the old swings and kicked the ground with the tip of her sandal, watching dirt spill over the edge covering her manicured toes. She felt so tired. The last weeks had drained her will to live. She wanted the world to just end, to put her out of her misery. She never thought she could ever feel this way and was glad she had never experienced it before.
Even all the time Michael cheated on her she had never felt this way. She thought she had loved Michael, but now she wasn't sure. The only explanation for the way she felt was that she was truly, madly in love with Steven Hyde. Why couldn't that be enough, she wondered. She just had to keep pushing him, keep trying to get her way like the spoiled little rich girl she was. She swung slowly on the swing dragging her pink painted toes in the dirt. She heard the chain link fence behind her clanking, then the sound of feet scuffing the dirt. Her whole body tensed.
Steven slowly sat in the swing next to her. He didn't say anything for a long while. Jackie couldn't bring herself to interrupt the silence. She was afraid she would say any of the millions of evil, hurtful things that were running through her head. She sat, waiting for Steven to speak. She figured he would just give a pathetic apology like before, but instead he cleared his through and said softly, "this is all my fault."
Caught off guard, Jackie didn't respond. She knew it wasn't all his fault. She wanted to say something, anything to make him feel better. All the angry retorts from earlier drained away, leaving her mind blank and numb. She struggled to find something to say to fill the silence between them.
"We don't have to get married, of you really don't want to," she finally said, surprised at herself. It had been what she was thinking all along, but hadn't meant to actually say it out loud. She spoke as if the last two weeks hadn't happened, like they were still together and she was letting him off the hook from their last fight. When she looked up Steven was staring at her. The anger from the other day was gone. He looked tired. Before he could say anything else she started said, "I'm sorry, Steven. I'm sorry about everything. I just wish we could go back in time."
"And forget there was ever an us?"
Shocked, she jumped off the swing and picked up her shopping bag. Was that what he was thinking? Didn't he understand her at all? She started to walk away, the ground crunching loudly beneath her shoes.
"I'm not sure I can ever make you understand exactly how much I love you." His voice echoed across the playground, stopping Jackie in her tracks. She felt tears spring to her eyes. When he put his hands on her shoulder her knees went weak and she thought she would collapse. "I'm not sure I can ever make you understand how utterly sorry I am for what I said last week," he whispered in her ear. The effect was astonishing. Her whole body tingled as she fought of the urge to turn and kiss him.
She could hear a tremble in his voice when he spoke again. "Jackie, I'm not really good at all this emotional stuff. I'm not ever going to be this guy that you want me to be. I'm never going to go around telling you how beautiful you are and how much I love you every second of the day. I can't come out and say that I can't imagine not being with you for the rest of my life. I can't promise I won't leave because I don't know and it scares me to think that I would ever have a reason to leave. But, I've had so many people in my life that supposedly loved me leave…" He took a deep breath. Jackie felt her tears stinging her cheeks but didn't wipe them away.
"I can't promise you anything," he continued, "except that if you give me a chance I will try to do right by you. I can't give you a mansion on a hill with a butler, but I will always love you and take care of you. If that isn't enough for you then I don't think we can save this relationship."
He let go of her shoulders and stuffed his hands in the pockets of his jeans. Jackie tried to regain her composure. She didn't know what to say to Steven's sudden confession. She was so proud of him, knowing what courage it took to do what was probably the hardest thing he had ever done in his life. She didn't want him to think it wasn't appreciated, but she didn't want to seem too excited, either, or he might never do it again. It was her turn to be honest, she thought as she turned to face him. He swallowed hard, waiting. He looked so sad and anxious that Jackie felt her heart melt.
She took a deep breath, but before she said anything Hyde pulled something out of his pocket. I got you something," he said, opening his hand. Jackie gasped. She picked up the ring, her hands shaking. For once she was completely at a loss for words. It was the last thing she had expected from Steven.
Chapter 16
